Terrorist Rehabilitation Program
Welcome and thank you for enrolling in the Terrorist Rehabilitation Program! Though you are not here of your own free will, we encourage you to enjoy your experience with us as we transform you into a complacent American. Before we begin, allow us to outline your stay with us and how progress is reached.
Months 1 – 3 (Introductory Phase)
Now we know you’re going to be a pissed off Muslim for a while, but we think that’s just adorable. So in the first one to three months your exposure to American culture will be heavy and you will be 100% restrained. First, we will shave your beard, cut your hair, and give you a shower. That’ll piss Allah off, won’t it?! Next, you will be sat in front of 5 televisions constantly streaming MTV and VH1 reality programs. If you hated America before, boy howdy, you’re going to hate America so much you’ll start to like it! You’ll see what we consider problems (how Jackie slept with Steve even though she’s Darrin’s baby’s mama) and compare it to problems in your country (not enough goats to fuck). At this point your hatred fuse will break and your personality will become malleable.
Months 4 and 5 (New Baseball Glove Phase)
From here, you will have a good idea what America is all about. Hopefully you enjoyed the finale of Real World vs. Road Rules! Next up, we’re going to keep you in a similar confinement, but we’re going to switch you from our Hannibal Lector restraints and simply just have you hand cuffed and shackled to a desk chair. You will remain in the same room, but the television monitors will start streaming sports, porn, cartoons, and good comedy movies. Such movies will include Animal House, Van Wilder, Super Bad, Clerks, Airplane, all of the Naked Guns, and so on. As the visual stimuli have been adjusted, so will the social interactions. You will be visited by members of the local college fraternity who will get you high with steam rollers and drunk with beer bongs while playing pong in front of you. By the end of this time period, you will like brownies, be acquainted with the infield fly rule, know that Bill Belichick is a fucking asshole, realize that you swat at any shot that is a bounce, and you will be randomly chanting “TOGA” when you’re inebriated. We try to make sure that this phase lands at some point during Ramadan to ensure you have a luxury sweet in Islam’s version of Hell.
Months 6 – 9 (Systematic Exposure Phase)
It will be at this time you will be released into the wild under tight supervision, and you will be fitted with multiple shock collars. No bowing towards Mecca! That’ll get all of the collars activated at once. We will visit Wal-Mart to buy… BIG step now… TOILET… PAPER! After we spend your stipend in the form of an American unemployment check, we’ll head to the mall and get you fitted with the tightest gear from Pac Sun, American Eagle, Hollister, A&F, and a pair of K-Swiss from the Shoe Outlet. Now that we have you fitted freshly, we’re going to hit the bars. Refusal to consume alcohol will result in public floggings and activation of shock collars. After we get you ridiculously hammered, we’ll get you back to you living quarters here where the highly educated staff will draw penises on you. During the weekdays in this section of the rehab process, you will chew tobacco and perform landscaping tasks outside so our facility looks pristine. As a treat, we will take you and others that are in this phase to a local sporting event where you will chant obscenity filled insults towards the other team and their fans. If you have made it to this part of the rehab process without incident, we’ll even let you beat up a visiting fan to get that deep seeded violence out of your system. Afterwards, the staff members and rehab participants alike will get completely shitfaced and reminisce about all the good times you’ve been having as an American.
Months 10 – 12 (Re-Entry Phase)
This is the most important part of the process! We will have coached you towards Atheism/Agnosticism so you can give up that 72 virgin bullshit. During the first part of this process, you will be heavily supervised during outings, but with increased distance from your handlers. Daily activities will include you pledging allegiance to the red, white, and blue, watching sports center and Fox news while drinking Starbucks and eating Krispy Kremes. As a throw back to your first phase, we will play a version of “The Hookup Artist” and you will only be allowed entering American society once you have fucked a bar skank in a night club bathroom.
Congratulations! You are now ready to enter the America society and live the American dream. We will room you in a frat house and get you a job at Ikea. You will be enrolled in American College courses and monitored on a parole basis for the next two to four years! Enjoy your new American lifestyle of being a lazy, waste producing, alcohol abusing, scumbag.
~ Jack .45 ~
Months 1 – 3 (Introductory Phase)Now we know you’re going to be a pissed off Muslim for a while, but we think that’s just adorable. So in the first one to three months your exposure to American culture will be heavy and you will be 100% restrained. First, we will shave your beard, cut your hair, and give you a shower. That’ll piss Allah off, won’t it?! Next, you will be sat in front of 5 televisions constantly streaming MTV and VH1 reality programs. If you hated America before, boy howdy, you’re going to hate America so much you’ll start to like it! You’ll see what we consider problems (how Jackie slept with Steve even though she’s Darrin’s baby’s mama) and compare it to problems in your country (not enough goats to fuck). At this point your hatred fuse will break and your personality will become malleable.
Months 4 and 5 (New Baseball Glove Phase)From here, you will have a good idea what America is all about. Hopefully you enjoyed the finale of Real World vs. Road Rules! Next up, we’re going to keep you in a similar confinement, but we’re going to switch you from our Hannibal Lector restraints and simply just have you hand cuffed and shackled to a desk chair. You will remain in the same room, but the television monitors will start streaming sports, porn, cartoons, and good comedy movies. Such movies will include Animal House, Van Wilder, Super Bad, Clerks, Airplane, all of the Naked Guns, and so on. As the visual stimuli have been adjusted, so will the social interactions. You will be visited by members of the local college fraternity who will get you high with steam rollers and drunk with beer bongs while playing pong in front of you. By the end of this time period, you will like brownies, be acquainted with the infield fly rule, know that Bill Belichick is a fucking asshole, realize that you swat at any shot that is a bounce, and you will be randomly chanting “TOGA” when you’re inebriated. We try to make sure that this phase lands at some point during Ramadan to ensure you have a luxury sweet in Islam’s version of Hell.
Months 6 – 9 (Systematic Exposure Phase)It will be at this time you will be released into the wild under tight supervision, and you will be fitted with multiple shock collars. No bowing towards Mecca! That’ll get all of the collars activated at once. We will visit Wal-Mart to buy… BIG step now… TOILET… PAPER! After we spend your stipend in the form of an American unemployment check, we’ll head to the mall and get you fitted with the tightest gear from Pac Sun, American Eagle, Hollister, A&F, and a pair of K-Swiss from the Shoe Outlet. Now that we have you fitted freshly, we’re going to hit the bars. Refusal to consume alcohol will result in public floggings and activation of shock collars. After we get you ridiculously hammered, we’ll get you back to you living quarters here where the highly educated staff will draw penises on you. During the weekdays in this section of the rehab process, you will chew tobacco and perform landscaping tasks outside so our facility looks pristine. As a treat, we will take you and others that are in this phase to a local sporting event where you will chant obscenity filled insults towards the other team and their fans. If you have made it to this part of the rehab process without incident, we’ll even let you beat up a visiting fan to get that deep seeded violence out of your system. Afterwards, the staff members and rehab participants alike will get completely shitfaced and reminisce about all the good times you’ve been having as an American.
Months 10 – 12 (Re-Entry Phase)This is the most important part of the process! We will have coached you towards Atheism/Agnosticism so you can give up that 72 virgin bullshit. During the first part of this process, you will be heavily supervised during outings, but with increased distance from your handlers. Daily activities will include you pledging allegiance to the red, white, and blue, watching sports center and Fox news while drinking Starbucks and eating Krispy Kremes. As a throw back to your first phase, we will play a version of “The Hookup Artist” and you will only be allowed entering American society once you have fucked a bar skank in a night club bathroom.
Congratulations! You are now ready to enter the America society and live the American dream. We will room you in a frat house and get you a job at Ikea. You will be enrolled in American College courses and monitored on a parole basis for the next two to four years! Enjoy your new American lifestyle of being a lazy, waste producing, alcohol abusing, scumbag.~ Jack .45 ~
omg this is what is going to happen to all those Gitmo detainees that will be released!