Consider this part one of several where we tally the laundry list of people, objects, and events that signify that the end times are upon us. I'm sure this will resonate well with those who currently believe the world will slam on its breaks in 2012 (the "twenty-twelvers" or "TTs") just because the Mayan calendar stopped predicting events after that point. We assume that they figured that on a long enough timeline, people will smarten up to the archaic bullshit once held as universal truth and stop reading too deep into texts written thousands of years ago. Little did they know just how mistaken they were in that assessment. It's one of the few things that both resin-soaked New Age hippies and devout born-again Christians can agree on. Just picture for a second Gary Busey and Kirk Cameron sharing herbal tea while discussing the proceedings of this year...it's the little things that brighten your day.

So without further bullshit, allow me to unveil the first sign of the apocalypse: the snuggie. Now I'm no stranger to the fact that heat, whether it be created via gas or electricity, costs money. And in "these hard economic times" (a phrase that boils my blood much like "shenanigans" does for Captain O'Hagan in Super Troopers), unless we live in Africa, we're not going to be heating our living areas to the required temperature every day of the week. There are those of us that merely pile on the clothing in an attempt to thwart the inevitable discomfort, while others will simply cover up with a blanket, maybe even next to a loved one (or a Real Doll, whichever your situation allows). Both of these alternatives are socially acceptable and remedy the problem, and once again, the menace of hypothermia is squashed.



Then some asshole came along and said, "Fuck it (and then "I'll do it live" if that asshole is Bill O'Reilly), having to make a decision is tearing society down like a feisty stagehand on the set of the new Terminator movie. People hate decisions, and cutting out any decisions that would hinder more junk food binging and frivolous online purchasing is necessary." He then sought out to invent the Snuggie. I can only imagine that the prototype consisted of a blanket with a hole cut out of each side, and then a sleeve sloppily duct-taped over each hole, most likely left over from a prior invention that was forgotten when someone in the know informed him that cutoffs have already come and gone. The level of abortion attained by this monstrosity could only be reached if Octo-mom decided during her 8th month of pregnancy that 6 kids was enough for her, and found a doctor in Mexico to "take care of this litter problem" (as I'm sure she would have called it). Picture one of the eggs opening in Aliens, but instead of a face-hugger emerging, out spilled 8 partially-chewed enchiladas. One would think that no self-respecting human being living outside of a third world country would buy into such a gimmick...but one needs to pull one's head from one's ass, because that isn't the case. According to the all-knowing hive mind that we call "the internet," 4 million of these things have shipped. But why? What does it all mean?

Before you start sticking up for this product, let me spell out why I believe these things are an egregious act against nature. I'm sure you have seen the commercial advertising the Snuggie. If not, then you're over 40 and/or a complete fucking out-of-touch shithead (and most likely own one). Take a long hard look at the family at the football game, wrapped in their thermo-robes amidst other normal people. The commercial wants you to think, "Gee, look at how awesome that family is compared to those rubes without any protection. I want to be just like them." What a person SHOULD think is, "Wow, those assholes just dropped 45 bucks to look like the villains from The Omega Man, but only if they assembled their garments from old Grimace costumes!"