If you do the simple math, you can easily see that you are paying 100 times more for something that could otherwise be acquired via some careful planning and not having your head shoved squarely up your asshole. That's a 9,900% convenience tax. That's like if you run out of toilet paper, and instead of buying another pack, you decide to googlemap every Taco Bell in the area, exclusively dine at each one 3 times a day during some sort of sadistic (and yet strangely appealing) weeklong dietary road trip, and pay 150 dollars for "bathroom tissue" each time you have to unleash a diarrhea tsunami in your own commode. You could have planned ahead and spent a few dollars to save yourself on exponentially unnecessary frivolous spending. What I'm saying is, buy one fucking bottle of water and refill the goddamn thing in your sink.

After all, what you're buying isn't some new kind of water that, when consumed, makes you feel like you've just consumed a bottle of 50-year old pinot noir while receiving a blow job from a toothless fat chick (they really do know their way around a schlong). It's the same shit that you're getting out of the tap for 100 times less. It's written right there on the label--"bottled at yadda yadda such and such reservoir." Yeah...that means that the same reservoirs that pump water into foreclosed houses pump it into millions of plastic bottles on the side.

Working in an industry that deals with consumer goods, I can tell you with much confidence that the less time a product spends in the hands of some disgruntled and apathetic factory workers in a typical (i.e. not very health-conscious) manufacturing plant, the better. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm assuming that after the domestically-sent water gets treated at the reservoir, it gets pumped into your homes. The end. With bottled water, the treated product gets shipped to the bottling plant where it undergoes additonal treatment, which sometimes includes getting the nutrients that your body needs (flouride, various minerals) sucked right the fuck out, probably by some vaguely Mexican guy with a grudge against his boss because he wouldn't let him take off for Mardi Gras. Maybe he decided to add a few nutrients of his own. Regardless, "additional treatment" is not something that you want to hear happening to your goods. Think of "undercoating" in the automobile business, or that "lead treatment" that's so popular in China.

Now, not all bottled water is bad. Depending on where you live, some of it may actually be healthier for you than what comes out of your faucet. The problem that I have is how popular it's become, and how many people mindlessly purchase bottle upon bottle without for once thinking that they can just refill the first one. I understand that we live in a consumer-driven, throwaway culture. I can appreciate that it's only a few dollars, so most people can easily justify chucking an empty plastic bottle in the trash can, and jamming some loose coins (arguably, it's not REAL money anyway, right?) into an expressionless machine (like Keanu Reeves), re-upping their supply, and continuing on with their day. I get it.

I don't even give a shit about the massive amounts of plastic waste that are created via this process--and believe me, they are definitely created because of this. That's thousands of years of nonbiodegradable material piling up for our grandchildren's grandchildren to stare at (no doubt materialized as the 8th continent). I'm not a tree-hugger, nor am I a global warming denier. In fact, I'm a global warming advocate. I can't wait until this planet manages to muster the balls and attempts to wipe us out in it's own cold, unrepentant, and natural way. I've watched Road Warrior enough times that I think I can handle my shit in such an event. I say, "Fuck you, Earth, bring it on."

What grinds my gears is that we are plunged into a shitty economic disaster, and only a select few of the smartest downtrodden scavengers are aware that such a thing as refilling your goddamn water bottle even exists! Most just gleefully discard and repurchase like they're used condoms, exacerbating their situations, and subsequently plunging themselves deeper into the financial abyss. Not to mention, the fucking peacenik, "eco-friendly" hippie turd burglars probably are the worst offenders, preaching "save the planet" while guzzling sweet, expensive, fancily-named oasis juice ("strained through the most glorious trenches of my fromunda cheese!") by the truckload. I know they can afford to spend their money on retarded shit, but fuck those guys anyway.

How is it that we as a species managed to really get our shit together when it came to supplying ourselves with cheap water, then eventually decided, "you know what, drinking cheap water is overrated...plus it's for commies!" I am aware that this in fact is a problem because everyone around me fucking does this! They make the animals that drink their own urine look like smart spenders.

But if you don't like refilling your water bottle, you'd be better off drinking soda. At least aluminum is worth recycling and can actually provide you with some extra cash. Oh, wait, that's right, you call it "pop."

-Bizob