Remember when pirates used to be cool? I know Maddox knows what I'm talking about. As a kid, I would enjoy hearing the stories of Black Beard and those other crazy peg-legged bastards while visiting the Outer Banks. These were some badass motherfuckers, ready to take your shit, sodomize your women, and make you walk the plank--what little boy with a hard on for violence wouldn't eat that shit up? For people in the United States, learning about pirates was just part of a really badass history lesson (or part of an increasingly shitty movie trilogy that even Johnny Depp couldn't save). Today, pirates have come back to the spotlight in full force, but they're real this time, and they're gearing to tear our fucking lights down. Well fuck that, you pirate scum, we're the USA and we're going to blast you right the fuck out of the water.

Oh, that's right, no we won't. It's 2009 and the civilized world is one giant vagina, spewing nothing but smegma and rag all over the place while attempting to sound like Johnny Tough Nuts on a coke bender. Due to some retarded law, our merchants are not legally allowed to carry the proper supplies (e.g. guns) necessary to fend off any oncoming pirates. This would be okay if the enemies were armed with nothing but pansyass swords and pissant cannon balls like the good old days, but these contemporary pirates are pissed off Somalians strapped with AK's and multiple banana clips. Oh, and RPGs. To make matters worse, our Navy barely gets involved due to "sensitive diplomatic blah blah blah who gives a shit" excuses. Yeah, a pirate gets his dome 'sploded from time to time, but not enough times to keep the corporate talking-head scare-mongering "news" personalities from mentioning that 4 other ships have been intercepted. What I'm saying is, we don't have to fix the problem, we just have to remedy it enough so people stop talking about it and we can move on with our lives...ya know, like with AIDS.


I know what's next--the liberal defense. I don't want to hear it. Sure, European and Asian nations dump all kinds of toxic waste off their coast, which then subsequently gets washed up onto their beaches, most likely making their once majestic sands look like that dump at the end of Men at Work. This still does not give them the right to fuck with our shipping crews, who already have to deal with being stuck in the middle of the ocean for weeks on end, most without the basic amenities that we take for granted (like internet porn and endless toilet paper).


I, like Maxwell Potterdam III, would tell them: "Get over it. You got a problem with it? Write to your local congressman or something (who I assume wears a lion mane on his head). This whole pirate thing? It's not going to stop the dumping. In fact, it's just something else for the people doing the dumping to laugh about while they decide whether to reward you with battery acid or asbestos (here's a hint: it's both). I know that a poor nation with it's back against the wall doesn't have many options, and that can cause you to do some incredibly retarded things, but you saw how that worked out for the Middle East, so what's makes you any different? At least they have oil under their religious fucktards. You're just Africa, and I'm pretty sure the world doesn't have a good track record with treating you fairly. So get over it."


Of course, this line of reasoning won't resonate, so our merchants must take action against impending pirate troubles. I see only one option for us: send American pirates to take their pirates hostage. We have to out-pirate them. How does the United States combat it's enemies? It shows them they can take something further no matter what. Native Americans had bows and arrows, so we mowed them down with guns. Japan had kamikaze pilots, so we spanked them with our NOOK-YOU-LER weapons. England had Margaret Thatcher, while we unleashed the intelligent and well-spoken Sarah Palin. Okay, okay, so we can't win 'em all.

Anyway, I say we go to a state like Kansas, round up our craziest gun-loving militant rednecks we can find, and send them out to the open waters armed to the teeth. Hell, we'll even build some authentic pirate ships to really show those fuckers that we aren't essing around. The flag can be Jesus ass-fucking a malnourished fly-covered Somalian child while flashing the devil horns and chugging a Yuengling. Our pirates can round up any ship they see departing from Somalia and unleash the worst parts of Deliverance on them. We'll take that Abu Ghraib shit to the high seas, seeing how many of those bastards we can stack in a pyramid on a lifeboat before sinking it in shark-infested waters. While we're drunk.