HEY THERE new crew member! Hello and welcome to Damon’s Grill! I bet you’re excited to be a part of the staff here now! Boy I love it here, my name’s Jack and I’ll be training you today! Are you as pumped as I am? Let me tell you a little about myself! I have a four year college degree I spent five years to get and if I had a fire arm at home I’d probably kill myself after getting fucked in the ass by shit eating customers that don’t know how to tip. But we’ll save your customer training for another day, right now I’m going to familiarize you with what you can expect from your coworkers!


First off here is one of our hostesses. Hey Brittany! This is our new hire. Brittany is awesome! I love coming up here and bullshitting with her. She always tries to seat hot chicks in my section too. Another cool thing about Brittany is she just found out she was pregnant! Sure she’s cut back on weed smoking and drinking caffeine, but if you’re a cigarette smoker, you can count on her being in the smoker's lounge sucking down some cancer sticks. I mean, it’s cool, besides, if she quit now the nicotine withdrawal would have negative effects on her unborn baby… how much longer you have there? Eight months? Yeah, better keep smoking! Don’t want to stress out the baby too much!


Here’s our general manager Danica enjoying one of our signature steak house burgers. Don’t be fooled by her pleasant demeanor, she’s a raging cunt. See, she’s pushing 35, lives with her dad, and managed to pump out a kid a few years back that she conceived with our former kitchen manager. Just wait until we get busy some weekend night and you’ll see how wildly demanding and irrational she becomes. Best part is she doesn’t really do much work at all herself.


Hi Jeena! This here is our new employee! He’s thrilled to be working with us. Let me tell you a little bit about Jeena. She’s 38, has high blood pressure, can’t afford health insurance, supporting two kids and her dead beat, unemployed, alcoholic husband. It angers me how happy she can be some days. Just on Tuesday when I got turned down from the job I really wanted I was like “WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU SMILING BITCH?!” The biggest thrill she gets out of working here is talking with regular customers and chasing after the elusive assistant manager position. She’ll end up dying in a few years from a heart attack mainly brought on by consuming the food from this dump on a regular basis. This will ironically happen shortly after she saves up enough money to finally get gastric bypass.


And here we have Tim and Ashley! How you doing today guys?! AWESOME! Those two will annoy the living fuck out of you. You will never see them apart even if they’re waiting tables in separate areas of the restaurant. Tim is insanely jealous of any male interaction Ashley has with anyone besides himself or her father. So do yourself a solid and never talk to Ashley unless Tim’s around and you’re addressing both of them. Our idiot manager Jim actually had to send Tim home early a few weeks ago because he almost started a fight with customers that were hitting on Ashley. Yeah, they never leave their relationship drama at home. They fight here, break up here, make up here… it’s a fucking blast I tell ya!


Okay, and back here is where you’ll bring all dirty glasses and dishes. Hey Dennis! How are you doing?! SUPER! This is Dennis, he’s our fucking crazy dishwasher. If you don’t want to get wrapped up in a conversation about how the galaxy is similar to his dish room… just avoid all eye contact and any openings for conversations. He’s pretty harmless, but he does throw shit around and make a ton of noise when we get really slammed. You have to have a lot of respect for the guy though. I mean… HE WASHES DISHES FOR A LIVING. If I were in his shoes, I would take the whole restaurant hostage with a 12 gauge, and when my audience was at its peak, I would blow my brains out in front of everyone.


And now we’re in the kitchen. What up guys?! They don’t talk much… the kitchen staff is pretty clicky, but they’re an awesome bunch of dudes. You get high? It’s cool… I do… everyone does! Everyone that works here is either on drugs or sells drugs. If you need a dime bag, some coke, fuck, even some heroin… the kitchen is your one stop shop. Just go back and slang Dan there a 10 and say ‘green’, ‘snow’, or ‘Andy Dick’ and he’ll hook you up! Being they sell good drugs at discount makes up for the fact they suck at their job. So expect to lose about 50 bucks in tips each week from pissed off patrons sending back poorly prepared food these retards ship out.


Let’s go back out to the restaurant area and into the bar. LOOK WHO IT IS! Normally these two work separately because together it’s just too much doucheyness. Mike and Lindsay! Mike… Lindsay meet our new employee, new guy, this is Mike the douche bag bartender while Lindsay is an insufferable cunt bartender. You think these guys would be happy, what making minimum wage and dwarfing everyone else in tips, but that’s not the case. They’re big fucking kykes too. If you don’t tip them out more than you owe them at the end of the night for drink orders don’t expect to be serving alcohol in a timely fashion to your tables the rest of the time you’re here.


And you know what, I’m going cut out and have a cigarette and who knows… maybe rip a pipe to my dome while I’m in the back. You go ahead and hit on the sluts Jess and Stacey. Oh, and later, after we close up we’re gonna go out and get all kinds of fucked up! Welcome aboard!



~ Jack .45 ~