The Beginners Guide to Cougar Hunting
If you’re like me then you enjoy the rush of preventing premature ejaculation with thoughts of comparing the person you’re currently inside of to your own mother. AH yes, there is nothing quite as thrilling than thrusting your throbbing Tom Jones within a person twice your age at the end of a successful cougar hunt. While the cougar population varies in scarcity and elusiveness depending on what trashy, hipster night club you’re in, there are many different varieties of cougar and each comes with a specific set of rules to follow in order to hunt effectively.
The Basics:
Unlike regular hooking up with women of the similar age range as yourself, cougar hunting is best accomplished solo. Not to say you can’t fly within a squadron of wingmen, but the primary attack must be skillfully executed once you have broken away from the main group. A single wingman is permitted when breaking up a gaggle of cougars, but once the hunt has officially started, the only way to fill your tag is to go it alone.
The small talk required to shatter the ice during a cougar hunt has to be a meticulous combination of tactless humor mixed in with an intellectually driven conversation.
Example:
“While I support upholding the integrity of the TRIPS agreement protecting intellectual property rights concerning the creation of generic AIDS medication in poor regions, I think the role religion plays in preventing the spread of HIV is close minded and deplorable…. But who gives a fuck about Cleveland right?!”
Continue to run this kind of game over and over with whatever direction she takes the conversation.
When it comes to sealing the deal, most cougars will have reservations about fucking someone younger than their offspring. To alleviate this preconceived notion that what they are about to do is incredibly wrong it’s important to use this line or a variation of it:
“Listen, I’m not out to judge anyone. You probably gave the whole commitment thing a try and it didn’t work out according to plan. Why feel bad about exploring your sexuality with someone younger when you’re just out to enjoy yourself? So you just lay back and do whatever feels good.”
Most cougars are menopausal or close to it, so it’s important to pack some lube since the water company shut off that part of their plumbing a LONG time ago. While impregnating a cougar is anyone’s worst nightmare, it more than likely won’t happen. Don’t let that deter you from putting a rain coat on your Johnson because cougars are the main reason the average STD contraction age has increased over the past 20 years.
Types of cougars:
The Married, Mother of Two, Hard Working, Office, Cougar:
Her kids are nearly self sufficient and being a mom to them is about as thrilling as playing a game of Monopoly from start to finish. Her husband forgot she has any sexual needs and even if he was aware he’d still prefer tinkering around the house and enjoying Sunday afternoon NFL instead. The only reason she excels professionally is to fill the void created by her sexual hunger. Exploit this by placing dependence on her to assist your climb up the corporate ladder. Everyone has sex-at-work fantasies so wait until office afterhours on a weeknight. Pay retribution by fucking her hard from behind while she clings to the copy machine with one leg up on the stack of paper boxes.
The Divorced, Athletic, Mother of a College Aged Child, Cougar:
Best picked up while enjoying a happy hour cocktail when she’s alone. Ask her what she’s drinking and then buy her another round and get the same exact drink for yourself. Presto! You have something in common. Start the conversation off by asking her what accomplishments she takes the most pride in. Once playful nudging and leg touching ensues, seal the deal and plow her on every piece of furniture in the hotel room or your apartment. You won’t get an invite back to her place because “it’s a disaster.” So either scoop up a hotel room to make her feel like a free spirited skank having a one night stand or take her back to your one bedroom apartment so she can relive the thrill of a college era hookup with a casual fuck buddy. This cougar would be best to have a long running casual relationship with because she gets off on spending her alimony buying you drinks and expensive sushi dinners.
The Club Hopping, Childless, Divorced, Cougar:
This cougar is the one with the STD’s and wrinkled skin from smoking and alcoholism. She made plenty of mistakes in her life up to this point so fucking someone who was in diapers when she was 27 is not considered a taboo in her book. The years of menthol cigarettes and grain alcohol binges have destroyed her taste buds so she won’t mind swallowing some DNA out of a latex flavored lap rocket. In fact she’ll probably suggest sucking your dick while her ankles are still on your shoulders and your pee hole is penetrating past her cervix.
The Supermarket Cougar:
Multiple times a week you’ll find this cougar at the grocery store because she appreciates her cooked meals to be fresh. Just like her meals, she likes her dick fresh and the younger is always the better. This most likely will be the less aged of the cougar species and most definitely comes with the potential for clinginess. Fill your cart with the same food items as she does so that your “incidental” bump-in at the end of your shopping trip yields you with common interests to talk about. The next move is to tell her what you are going to cook with the items you selected and when she is surprised that your making her favorite dish suggest that you two cook together some Friday evening. Not long after cooking and eating she’ll be shouting “DADDY!” at the top of her lungs as you fuck her sideways on her couch. The best part is her dad died when she was a teenager.
The Never Married, Childless, Hot, STD Free, Party Animal Cougar:
This is the snow leopard of cougars. Rarely seen and even rarer are the opportunities to hook up with this cougar. She’s always game to suck down a joint while playing some beer pong. This type of cougar never left college in her mind and holds onto her youth by partaking in social binge drinking and random flings with younger guys. Along with being a near A&F model, you must be passive in order to hook up with this cougar because she MUST be the one in control. Once you get back to her lair, she’ll disappear for a few minutes to put on a school girl outfit including pigtails and thigh high white stockings. Utilize her hair like handlebars while you’re parking the unsheathed beef bus in tuna town. That little slip you just had was no accident. Yes, while you were pounding away from behind she moved her pelvis enough so you are now inside of her turd cutter. While she’ll never openly admit it, she likes tasting her shit on your dick when she’s sucking after having requested you to blow your man boogers all over her face. YEAH! Who’s a dirty girl?
There you have it. Just remember the tag limit for cougars is infinite so you never have to worry about the hookup game commission fining you for exceeding your legal limit.
~ Jack .45 ~
The Basics:
Unlike regular hooking up with women of the similar age range as yourself, cougar hunting is best accomplished solo. Not to say you can’t fly within a squadron of wingmen, but the primary attack must be skillfully executed once you have broken away from the main group. A single wingman is permitted when breaking up a gaggle of cougars, but once the hunt has officially started, the only way to fill your tag is to go it alone.
The small talk required to shatter the ice during a cougar hunt has to be a meticulous combination of tactless humor mixed in with an intellectually driven conversation.
Example:
“While I support upholding the integrity of the TRIPS agreement protecting intellectual property rights concerning the creation of generic AIDS medication in poor regions, I think the role religion plays in preventing the spread of HIV is close minded and deplorable…. But who gives a fuck about Cleveland right?!”
Continue to run this kind of game over and over with whatever direction she takes the conversation.
When it comes to sealing the deal, most cougars will have reservations about fucking someone younger than their offspring. To alleviate this preconceived notion that what they are about to do is incredibly wrong it’s important to use this line or a variation of it:
“Listen, I’m not out to judge anyone. You probably gave the whole commitment thing a try and it didn’t work out according to plan. Why feel bad about exploring your sexuality with someone younger when you’re just out to enjoy yourself? So you just lay back and do whatever feels good.”
Most cougars are menopausal or close to it, so it’s important to pack some lube since the water company shut off that part of their plumbing a LONG time ago. While impregnating a cougar is anyone’s worst nightmare, it more than likely won’t happen. Don’t let that deter you from putting a rain coat on your Johnson because cougars are the main reason the average STD contraction age has increased over the past 20 years.
Types of cougars:
The Married, Mother of Two, Hard Working, Office, Cougar:
Her kids are nearly self sufficient and being a mom to them is about as thrilling as playing a game of Monopoly from start to finish. Her husband forgot she has any sexual needs and even if he was aware he’d still prefer tinkering around the house and enjoying Sunday afternoon NFL instead. The only reason she excels professionally is to fill the void created by her sexual hunger. Exploit this by placing dependence on her to assist your climb up the corporate ladder. Everyone has sex-at-work fantasies so wait until office afterhours on a weeknight. Pay retribution by fucking her hard from behind while she clings to the copy machine with one leg up on the stack of paper boxes.
The Divorced, Athletic, Mother of a College Aged Child, Cougar:
Best picked up while enjoying a happy hour cocktail when she’s alone. Ask her what she’s drinking and then buy her another round and get the same exact drink for yourself. Presto! You have something in common. Start the conversation off by asking her what accomplishments she takes the most pride in. Once playful nudging and leg touching ensues, seal the deal and plow her on every piece of furniture in the hotel room or your apartment. You won’t get an invite back to her place because “it’s a disaster.” So either scoop up a hotel room to make her feel like a free spirited skank having a one night stand or take her back to your one bedroom apartment so she can relive the thrill of a college era hookup with a casual fuck buddy. This cougar would be best to have a long running casual relationship with because she gets off on spending her alimony buying you drinks and expensive sushi dinners.
The Club Hopping, Childless, Divorced, Cougar:
This cougar is the one with the STD’s and wrinkled skin from smoking and alcoholism. She made plenty of mistakes in her life up to this point so fucking someone who was in diapers when she was 27 is not considered a taboo in her book. The years of menthol cigarettes and grain alcohol binges have destroyed her taste buds so she won’t mind swallowing some DNA out of a latex flavored lap rocket. In fact she’ll probably suggest sucking your dick while her ankles are still on your shoulders and your pee hole is penetrating past her cervix.
The Supermarket Cougar:
Multiple times a week you’ll find this cougar at the grocery store because she appreciates her cooked meals to be fresh. Just like her meals, she likes her dick fresh and the younger is always the better. This most likely will be the less aged of the cougar species and most definitely comes with the potential for clinginess. Fill your cart with the same food items as she does so that your “incidental” bump-in at the end of your shopping trip yields you with common interests to talk about. The next move is to tell her what you are going to cook with the items you selected and when she is surprised that your making her favorite dish suggest that you two cook together some Friday evening. Not long after cooking and eating she’ll be shouting “DADDY!” at the top of her lungs as you fuck her sideways on her couch. The best part is her dad died when she was a teenager.
The Never Married, Childless, Hot, STD Free, Party Animal Cougar:
This is the snow leopard of cougars. Rarely seen and even rarer are the opportunities to hook up with this cougar. She’s always game to suck down a joint while playing some beer pong. This type of cougar never left college in her mind and holds onto her youth by partaking in social binge drinking and random flings with younger guys. Along with being a near A&F model, you must be passive in order to hook up with this cougar because she MUST be the one in control. Once you get back to her lair, she’ll disappear for a few minutes to put on a school girl outfit including pigtails and thigh high white stockings. Utilize her hair like handlebars while you’re parking the unsheathed beef bus in tuna town. That little slip you just had was no accident. Yes, while you were pounding away from behind she moved her pelvis enough so you are now inside of her turd cutter. While she’ll never openly admit it, she likes tasting her shit on your dick when she’s sucking after having requested you to blow your man boogers all over her face. YEAH! Who’s a dirty girl?
There you have it. Just remember the tag limit for cougars is infinite so you never have to worry about the hookup game commission fining you for exceeding your legal limit.
~ Jack .45 ~
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