One thing that has plowed its way to public enemy #1 on nutritionists’ list is Trans Fat. Trans fat (a type of unsaturated fat containing tran-isomer fatty acids) comes in a few variations. Consuming the bad type of this fat is equivalent to fastening a belt around your arm, tapping a big pulsating vein to the surface, and injecting yourself with kerosene while simultaneously performing reverse liposuction. Worst part? You inadvertently gobble much more of this shit than you realize.


To begin, not all Trans fat is created equal as it does come in the good form of CLA. CLA (conjugated linoleic acid) is a Trans fat that occurs naturally in meat and dairy products that has actually been mimicked in dietary supplements to assist in weight loss. CLA also has anti-inflammatory properties. Ugly Trans fat is that which is partially hydrogenated. The hydrogenating process takes regular fat, turns it into a margarine like solid and increases the temperature at which it melts thus making it ideal for types of baking, increasing the shelf life of certain food products, and obtaining a handicap parking permit because of debilitating obesity.


This process was developed and implemented in the early 1900’s to satisfy the increasing demand for butter. It wasn’t until 1988 that medical publications began fingering (teehee… FINGERING!) Trans fat as a culprit in the rise of coronary artery disease and obesity. As with most things bad for you, Trans fat does its damage too slowly to prompt a nationwide condemnation similar to tobacco, alcohol, or other such consumer products. On an extended time line, the use of partially hydrogenated oils in food products is about as harmful as adding melamine to milk to boost its protein content. I’ll allow you to look up exactly what melamine is intended for, but the people responsible for adding it to pet food and baby formula to increase the apparent protein content have been sentenced to death. Oh China!

The matter at hand is addressing how / why you eat more of this disgusting, gluttonous fat ignorantly. It is because the FDA, in their all-knowing glory I might add, has set the standard that anything containing less than or equal to 0.5 grams of Trans fat per serving is permitted to go unreported on food item’s nutritional facts. So not only do companies get the fucked up privilege of not reporting that their product contains Trans fat, albeit trace amounts per serving, they even get to boast that their product contains “ZERO GRAMS TRANS FAT.” That would be like a construction company saying what they build doesn’t contain asbestos even though 0.5 % of the material they use contains asbestos. In asbestos' defense, mesothelioma is a pretty fucking sexy form of cancer.

When a person smokes, drinks, or does drugs, not only are they fucking awesome, but they are deliberately and willingly destroying their bodies. The way partially hydrogenated oil is not reported, fat people are getting fatter without even realizing it! Here is a list of products that contains Trans fat, while not reporting it:


And fucking look at that shit! The biggest kicker is that Fiber Plus Antioxidant bullshit. Anti… fucking… oxidants are things that neutralize free radicals to reduce oxidative damage to cells in your body. Simply put, antioxidants actively reduce your risk of cancer. But those fucking bars have trans fat in them… an oxidant. The dumb fucks at Quaker Oats must not have put two and two together. Unfortunately that’s just the very tip of the iceberg. There’s a shitload of other things you probably use every day that have that nasty ass shit inside.

So there you fucking have it. I know this piece was slightly more informative than funny, but do yourself and everyone else a favor and read the ingredients before you buy. If not, you’ll end up like most of the people working at BNY Mellon in Pittsburgh.