An Open Letter to Radical Islamists: Go Fuck Yourselves
“Bless me father for I have sinned. It’s been since like last May or something since I wrote a Gigglestorm article. Plus I diddled this one kid like a dozen times.”
“Oh dear, my son...does he have any friends?”
So, it’s been a crazy year. Since the last post, I’ve traveled this entire fucking country. Twice. I’ve had several ideas, but they all got shelved while I was living it up, cog-style. You know—staying in shitty hotels every other week and eating like a fucking typical American (lots of McDonald’s and the occasional Arby’s stop). While I’ve finally gotten to experience the taste of a White Castle burger, the “cogs on wheels” lifestyle can eat at your soul like the thing that possessed that chick who fucked herself with a crucifix (no, not you, Grandma, go back to your shows).
Those tales are for another time and another article. Maybe something entitled “Corporate Coggery: Why My Company Throats Cock Like A Drunk Dickhound.” Yeah. Anyway, what brought me back with a vengeance and inspired me to write words on the internet for our 6 readers to read is tonight’s episode of South Park. It’s April 21, the day after the greatest holiday ever invented to give people an excuse to get blitzed (I know I was celebrating yesterday…) and pig out on Little Debbies and anything in your cupboard that you can mix with milk or peanut butter. And lots of water. Tonight, South Park aired Part 2 of its awesome 200th episode that was like a big, oiled up hand job for the diehard fans. The show’s highlights, of course, were the reappearances of Mecha Streisand (even more terrifying than I remember!), Mitch Connor (hilariously engaging in a dead serious conversation with Mr. Hat), and a slew of celebrities that the show previously tore apart. If you’re reading this, you’ve probably seen it. It was hilarious. Why am I posting? Well, they decided to slam Muhammad. Good for them, right? And they did it while winking at the audience that this wasn’t an “acceptable” thing to do. Anyway, they managed to actually piss off at least some radical Muslims and inevitably received a not-too-subtle death threat. The result? The name “Muhammad” was bleeped tonight. For the entire episode. And now that I see they’re not re-airing the episode at the normal 2-hour later time slot, I can guess that that was it for the ballsy “201.” Goddamn it. I can understand if Matt and Trey did it out of genuine fear, or if Comedy Central covered everyone’s asses and made the final decision, but either way one thing is abundantly clear: radical Muslims are fucking turd burglars.
What gives you the right, you cocksuckers? It’s bad enough that on a fundamental level we have to put up with your religion, one that says “No, it’s cool if you throw acid on your wife because your neighbor saw her left eyebrow” and “Killing myself for a belief is, like, the coolest thing to do.” It’s another thing to decapitate every news reporter you get your Crab Juice-soaked fingers on. But now you’ve crossed the line. To not only threaten the creators of one of my favorite shows, but to also push them and/or Viacom to the point where their artistic integrity is comprised, well…you have just crossed the line, sirs.
Here:
“Oh dear, my son...does he have any friends?”
So, it’s been a crazy year. Since the last post, I’ve traveled this entire fucking country. Twice. I’ve had several ideas, but they all got shelved while I was living it up, cog-style. You know—staying in shitty hotels every other week and eating like a fucking typical American (lots of McDonald’s and the occasional Arby’s stop). While I’ve finally gotten to experience the taste of a White Castle burger, the “cogs on wheels” lifestyle can eat at your soul like the thing that possessed that chick who fucked herself with a crucifix (no, not you, Grandma, go back to your shows).
Those tales are for another time and another article. Maybe something entitled “Corporate Coggery: Why My Company Throats Cock Like A Drunk Dickhound.” Yeah. Anyway, what brought me back with a vengeance and inspired me to write words on the internet for our 6 readers to read is tonight’s episode of South Park. It’s April 21, the day after the greatest holiday ever invented to give people an excuse to get blitzed (I know I was celebrating yesterday…) and pig out on Little Debbies and anything in your cupboard that you can mix with milk or peanut butter. And lots of water. Tonight, South Park aired Part 2 of its awesome 200th episode that was like a big, oiled up hand job for the diehard fans. The show’s highlights, of course, were the reappearances of Mecha Streisand (even more terrifying than I remember!), Mitch Connor (hilariously engaging in a dead serious conversation with Mr. Hat), and a slew of celebrities that the show previously tore apart. If you’re reading this, you’ve probably seen it. It was hilarious. Why am I posting? Well, they decided to slam Muhammad. Good for them, right? And they did it while winking at the audience that this wasn’t an “acceptable” thing to do. Anyway, they managed to actually piss off at least some radical Muslims and inevitably received a not-too-subtle death threat. The result? The name “Muhammad” was bleeped tonight. For the entire episode. And now that I see they’re not re-airing the episode at the normal 2-hour later time slot, I can guess that that was it for the ballsy “201.” Goddamn it. I can understand if Matt and Trey did it out of genuine fear, or if Comedy Central covered everyone’s asses and made the final decision, but either way one thing is abundantly clear: radical Muslims are fucking turd burglars.
What gives you the right, you cocksuckers? It’s bad enough that on a fundamental level we have to put up with your religion, one that says “No, it’s cool if you throw acid on your wife because your neighbor saw her left eyebrow” and “Killing myself for a belief is, like, the coolest thing to do.” It’s another thing to decapitate every news reporter you get your Crab Juice-soaked fingers on. But now you’ve crossed the line. To not only threaten the creators of one of my favorite shows, but to also push them and/or Viacom to the point where their artistic integrity is comprised, well…you have just crossed the line, sirs.
Here:
There’s Muhammad. I just showed a picture of him. Look at him sitting there, drinking his forty, and probably rolling up the marijuana to smoke it like a cigarette or something. Muhammad is a fucking faggot. And I don’t mean he’s gay, although he does take it in the ass on the regular from Jesus. I mean he’s a faggot—like how you don’t call retards retarded. Your god has a smaller dick that my (lack of) God. And yeah, I didn’t capitalize your god because he’s such a pussy. Guy doesn’t even know how to properly lead a group of people, obviously. If he did, they wouldn’t be decrying Western culture while re-loading the fucking RPGs that were given to them decades ago by the United States. They wouldn’t be watching Al-Jazeera on a television that was made in China, bankrolled by one of the “Westernized” countries. They’d shit or fucking get off the pot. But no, these fuckin’ Trig Palins are banding together to jerk each other off and blow up people who don’t agree with them. Real fucking mature, fellas. I bet you don’t even have the common courtesy to give the dude in front of you right now a reach around. No, take your time. I’ll wait.
See? You just came and put your clothes on. My point is valid. And if, by the grace of Cthulhu, an actual Muslim reads this and goes, “Hey, don’t lump me in with those assholes, I pay my taxes like any other person,” I apologize, but this declaration is obviously not meant for you. If you woke up today, prayed to Mecca, and DIDN’T think once or twice about maybe blowing yourself up in a crowd of Zionist-enablers, you’re probably in good shape. Or maybe you manually got rid of your morning wood and you’re taking a day off to enjoy it. Either way, everyone knows that radical Muslims are just a bunch of limp-wristed cry babies who get angry when everyone else is fucking with them, even though they wouldn’t know what to do with their time if nobody paid attention to them ever again. They’re the equivalent of when human political cartoon Bill O’Reilly is losing an argument and decides that YELLING IS THE BEST WAY TO GET THE UPPER HAND!
So there, fuck yourself. What are you gonna do, kill me? Come find me. Here, I’ll attach a pic of my house:
There. I’m the hut out by the mountains over there. Just look for the sand. Now come get me, faggots. I’ll even go willingly. I’m at the point with my job that Edward Norton was at in Fight Club before he went full retard and started beating the shit out of himself in front of dive bars. I’ve literally fantasized about mid-air collisions while traveling just so I didn’t have to go into the office on Monday. I welcome any attempts on my life.
Hmm…while I was writing that, I think I just found a way to get back at you fucking finger sniffers. We have tons of Emo/Goth turds just waiting in the wings for life’s “Willy Wonka-like, corporate-driven shit ride to kick them to the curb like an unwanted prom night baby” or whatever their poems say that they scratch into their undertits. Let’s round these ledge jumpers up and strap explosives to THEM, and then send them into al-Queera bases to shut their shit down. We have suicidal and batshit crazy citizens, too, Middle East. Just picture it, a slew of Edward Scissorhands-looking freaks marching into a town with everyone running away in terror—just like the Thriller video. Or, like with any other task that requires more than 5 seconds of actual work, maybe we’ll just get our kids to do it.
So what can we really do? Nothing. The terrorists have won. Sadly, this didn’t manifest itself as Americans bowing down to the prophet Muhammad (who, by the way, is a real fuckin’ blood belching vagina of a fanny bandit bullshit artist), but as South Park, our last bastion of complete and utter free speech in America, acquiescing to threats from some website probably run by a bunch of guys who still wipe shit out of their ass cracks with their bare hands. I dunno, I guess we can shop at Wal-mart more. Those motherfuckers hate that.Until next time, when I complain at length about the airline industry, Six-Sigma projects, and shitty Wisconsin drivers.
-Bizob
P.S. Yeah, it took me a month to post this after writing it. And yeah, I’m also aware that Jon Stewart said something similar on the Daily Show. I wrote this before that. Don’t believe me? Go fuck yourselves, too.
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