If you’re like me then you enjoy the rush of preventing premature ejaculation with thoughts of comparing the person you’re currently inside of to your own mother. AH yes, there is nothing quite as thrilling than thrusting your throbbing Tom Jones within a person twice your age at the end of a successful cougar hunt. While the cougar population varies in scarcity and elusiveness depending on what trashy, hipster night club you’re in, there are many different varieties of cougar and each comes with a specific set of rules to follow in order to hunt effectively.

The Basics:
Unlike regular hooking up with women of the similar age range as yourself, cougar hunting is best accomplished solo. Not to say you can’t fly within a squadron of wingmen, but the primary attack must be skillfully executed once you have broken away from the main group. A single wingman is permitted when breaking up a gaggle of cougars, but once the hunt has officially started, the only way to fill your tag is to go it alone.

The small talk required to shatter the ice during a cougar hunt has to be a meticulous combination of tactless humor mixed in with an intellectually driven conversation.

Example:
“While I support upholding the integrity of the TRIPS agreement protecting intellectual property rights concerning the creation of generic AIDS medication in poor regions, I think the role religion plays in preventing the spread of HIV is close minded and deplorable…. But who gives a fuck about Cleveland right?!”

Continue to run this kind of game over and over with whatever direction she takes the conversation.

When it comes to sealing the deal, most cougars will have reservations about fucking someone younger than their offspring. To alleviate this preconceived notion that what they are about to do is incredibly wrong it’s important to use this line or a variation of it:
“Listen, I’m not out to judge anyone. You probably gave the whole commitment thing a try and it didn’t work out according to plan. Why feel bad about exploring your sexuality with someone younger when you’re just out to enjoy yourself? So you just lay back and do whatever feels good.”

Most cougars are menopausal or close to it, so it’s important to pack some lube since the water company shut off that part of their plumbing a LONG time ago. While impregnating a cougar is anyone’s worst nightmare, it more than likely won’t happen. Don’t let that deter you from putting a rain coat on your Johnson because cougars are the main reason the average STD contraction age has increased over the past 20 years.


Types of cougars:

The Married, Mother of Two, Hard Working, Office, Cougar:
Her kids are nearly self sufficient and being a mom to them is about as thrilling as playing a game of Monopoly from start to finish. Her husband forgot she has any sexual needs and even if he was aware he’d still prefer tinkering around the house and enjoying Sunday afternoon NFL instead. The only reason she excels professionally is to fill the void created by her sexual hunger. Exploit this by placing dependence on her to assist your climb up the corporate ladder. Everyone has sex-at-work fantasies so wait until office afterhours on a weeknight. Pay retribution by fucking her hard from behind while she clings to the copy machine with one leg up on the stack of paper boxes.

The Divorced, Athletic, Mother of a College Aged Child, Cougar:
Best picked up while enjoying a happy hour cocktail when she’s alone. Ask her what she’s drinking and then buy her another round and get the same exact drink for yourself. Presto! You have something in common. Start the conversation off by asking her what accomplishments she takes the most pride in. Once playful nudging and leg touching ensues, seal the deal and plow her on every piece of furniture in the hotel room or your apartment. You won’t get an invite back to her place because “it’s a disaster.” So either scoop up a hotel room to make her feel like a free spirited skank having a one night stand or take her back to your one bedroom apartment so she can relive the thrill of a college era hookup with a casual fuck buddy. This cougar would be best to have a long running casual relationship with because she gets off on spending her alimony buying you drinks and expensive sushi dinners.

The Club Hopping, Childless, Divorced, Cougar:
This cougar is the one with the STD’s and wrinkled skin from smoking and alcoholism. She made plenty of mistakes in her life up to this point so fucking someone who was in diapers when she was 27 is not considered a taboo in her book. The years of menthol cigarettes and grain alcohol binges have destroyed her taste buds so she won’t mind swallowing some DNA out of a latex flavored lap rocket. In fact she’ll probably suggest sucking your dick while her ankles are still on your shoulders and your pee hole is penetrating past her cervix.

The Supermarket Cougar:
Multiple times a week you’ll find this cougar at the grocery store because she appreciates her cooked meals to be fresh. Just like her meals, she likes her dick fresh and the younger is always the better. This most likely will be the less aged of the cougar species and most definitely comes with the potential for clinginess. Fill your cart with the same food items as she does so that your “incidental” bump-in at the end of your shopping trip yields you with common interests to talk about. The next move is to tell her what you are going to cook with the items you selected and when she is surprised that your making her favorite dish suggest that you two cook together some Friday evening. Not long after cooking and eating she’ll be shouting “DADDY!” at the top of her lungs as you fuck her sideways on her couch. The best part is her dad died when she was a teenager.

The Never Married, Childless, Hot, STD Free, Party Animal Cougar:
This is the snow leopard of cougars. Rarely seen and even rarer are the opportunities to hook up with this cougar. She’s always game to suck down a joint while playing some beer pong. This type of cougar never left college in her mind and holds onto her youth by partaking in social binge drinking and random flings with younger guys. Along with being a near A&F model, you must be passive in order to hook up with this cougar because she MUST be the one in control. Once you get back to her lair, she’ll disappear for a few minutes to put on a school girl outfit including pigtails and thigh high white stockings. Utilize her hair like handlebars while you’re parking the unsheathed beef bus in tuna town. That little slip you just had was no accident. Yes, while you were pounding away from behind she moved her pelvis enough so you are now inside of her turd cutter. While she’ll never openly admit it, she likes tasting her shit on your dick when she’s sucking after having requested you to blow your man boogers all over her face. YEAH! Who’s a dirty girl?

There you have it. Just remember the tag limit for cougars is infinite so you never have to worry about the hookup game commission fining you for exceeding your legal limit.

~ Jack .45 ~

One thing that has plowed its way to public enemy #1 on nutritionists’ list is Trans Fat. Trans fat (a type of unsaturated fat containing tran-isomer fatty acids) comes in a few variations. Consuming the bad type of this fat is equivalent to fastening a belt around your arm, tapping a big pulsating vein to the surface, and injecting yourself with kerosene while simultaneously performing reverse liposuction. Worst part? You inadvertently gobble much more of this shit than you realize.


To begin, not all Trans fat is created equal as it does come in the good form of CLA. CLA (conjugated linoleic acid) is a Trans fat that occurs naturally in meat and dairy products that has actually been mimicked in dietary supplements to assist in weight loss. CLA also has anti-inflammatory properties. Ugly Trans fat is that which is partially hydrogenated. The hydrogenating process takes regular fat, turns it into a margarine like solid and increases the temperature at which it melts thus making it ideal for types of baking, increasing the shelf life of certain food products, and obtaining a handicap parking permit because of debilitating obesity.


This process was developed and implemented in the early 1900’s to satisfy the increasing demand for butter. It wasn’t until 1988 that medical publications began fingering (teehee… FINGERING!) Trans fat as a culprit in the rise of coronary artery disease and obesity. As with most things bad for you, Trans fat does its damage too slowly to prompt a nationwide condemnation similar to tobacco, alcohol, or other such consumer products. On an extended time line, the use of partially hydrogenated oils in food products is about as harmful as adding melamine to milk to boost its protein content. I’ll allow you to look up exactly what melamine is intended for, but the people responsible for adding it to pet food and baby formula to increase the apparent protein content have been sentenced to death. Oh China!

The matter at hand is addressing how / why you eat more of this disgusting, gluttonous fat ignorantly. It is because the FDA, in their all-knowing glory I might add, has set the standard that anything containing less than or equal to 0.5 grams of Trans fat per serving is permitted to go unreported on food item’s nutritional facts. So not only do companies get the fucked up privilege of not reporting that their product contains Trans fat, albeit trace amounts per serving, they even get to boast that their product contains “ZERO GRAMS TRANS FAT.” That would be like a construction company saying what they build doesn’t contain asbestos even though 0.5 % of the material they use contains asbestos. In asbestos' defense, mesothelioma is a pretty fucking sexy form of cancer.

When a person smokes, drinks, or does drugs, not only are they fucking awesome, but they are deliberately and willingly destroying their bodies. The way partially hydrogenated oil is not reported, fat people are getting fatter without even realizing it! Here is a list of products that contains Trans fat, while not reporting it:


And fucking look at that shit! The biggest kicker is that Fiber Plus Antioxidant bullshit. Anti… fucking… oxidants are things that neutralize free radicals to reduce oxidative damage to cells in your body. Simply put, antioxidants actively reduce your risk of cancer. But those fucking bars have trans fat in them… an oxidant. The dumb fucks at Quaker Oats must not have put two and two together. Unfortunately that’s just the very tip of the iceberg. There’s a shitload of other things you probably use every day that have that nasty ass shit inside.

So there you fucking have it. I know this piece was slightly more informative than funny, but do yourself and everyone else a favor and read the ingredients before you buy. If not, you’ll end up like most of the people working at BNY Mellon in Pittsburgh.

HEY THERE new crew member! Hello and welcome to Damon’s Grill! I bet you’re excited to be a part of the staff here now! Boy I love it here, my name’s Jack and I’ll be training you today! Are you as pumped as I am? Let me tell you a little about myself! I have a four year college degree I spent five years to get and if I had a fire arm at home I’d probably kill myself after getting fucked in the ass by shit eating customers that don’t know how to tip. But we’ll save your customer training for another day, right now I’m going to familiarize you with what you can expect from your coworkers!


First off here is one of our hostesses. Hey Brittany! This is our new hire. Brittany is awesome! I love coming up here and bullshitting with her. She always tries to seat hot chicks in my section too. Another cool thing about Brittany is she just found out she was pregnant! Sure she’s cut back on weed smoking and drinking caffeine, but if you’re a cigarette smoker, you can count on her being in the smoker's lounge sucking down some cancer sticks. I mean, it’s cool, besides, if she quit now the nicotine withdrawal would have negative effects on her unborn baby… how much longer you have there? Eight months? Yeah, better keep smoking! Don’t want to stress out the baby too much!


Here’s our general manager Danica enjoying one of our signature steak house burgers. Don’t be fooled by her pleasant demeanor, she’s a raging cunt. See, she’s pushing 35, lives with her dad, and managed to pump out a kid a few years back that she conceived with our former kitchen manager. Just wait until we get busy some weekend night and you’ll see how wildly demanding and irrational she becomes. Best part is she doesn’t really do much work at all herself.


Hi Jeena! This here is our new employee! He’s thrilled to be working with us. Let me tell you a little bit about Jeena. She’s 38, has high blood pressure, can’t afford health insurance, supporting two kids and her dead beat, unemployed, alcoholic husband. It angers me how happy she can be some days. Just on Tuesday when I got turned down from the job I really wanted I was like “WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU SMILING BITCH?!” The biggest thrill she gets out of working here is talking with regular customers and chasing after the elusive assistant manager position. She’ll end up dying in a few years from a heart attack mainly brought on by consuming the food from this dump on a regular basis. This will ironically happen shortly after she saves up enough money to finally get gastric bypass.


And here we have Tim and Ashley! How you doing today guys?! AWESOME! Those two will annoy the living fuck out of you. You will never see them apart even if they’re waiting tables in separate areas of the restaurant. Tim is insanely jealous of any male interaction Ashley has with anyone besides himself or her father. So do yourself a solid and never talk to Ashley unless Tim’s around and you’re addressing both of them. Our idiot manager Jim actually had to send Tim home early a few weeks ago because he almost started a fight with customers that were hitting on Ashley. Yeah, they never leave their relationship drama at home. They fight here, break up here, make up here… it’s a fucking blast I tell ya!


Okay, and back here is where you’ll bring all dirty glasses and dishes. Hey Dennis! How are you doing?! SUPER! This is Dennis, he’s our fucking crazy dishwasher. If you don’t want to get wrapped up in a conversation about how the galaxy is similar to his dish room… just avoid all eye contact and any openings for conversations. He’s pretty harmless, but he does throw shit around and make a ton of noise when we get really slammed. You have to have a lot of respect for the guy though. I mean… HE WASHES DISHES FOR A LIVING. If I were in his shoes, I would take the whole restaurant hostage with a 12 gauge, and when my audience was at its peak, I would blow my brains out in front of everyone.


And now we’re in the kitchen. What up guys?! They don’t talk much… the kitchen staff is pretty clicky, but they’re an awesome bunch of dudes. You get high? It’s cool… I do… everyone does! Everyone that works here is either on drugs or sells drugs. If you need a dime bag, some coke, fuck, even some heroin… the kitchen is your one stop shop. Just go back and slang Dan there a 10 and say ‘green’, ‘snow’, or ‘Andy Dick’ and he’ll hook you up! Being they sell good drugs at discount makes up for the fact they suck at their job. So expect to lose about 50 bucks in tips each week from pissed off patrons sending back poorly prepared food these retards ship out.


Let’s go back out to the restaurant area and into the bar. LOOK WHO IT IS! Normally these two work separately because together it’s just too much doucheyness. Mike and Lindsay! Mike… Lindsay meet our new employee, new guy, this is Mike the douche bag bartender while Lindsay is an insufferable cunt bartender. You think these guys would be happy, what making minimum wage and dwarfing everyone else in tips, but that’s not the case. They’re big fucking kykes too. If you don’t tip them out more than you owe them at the end of the night for drink orders don’t expect to be serving alcohol in a timely fashion to your tables the rest of the time you’re here.


And you know what, I’m going cut out and have a cigarette and who knows… maybe rip a pipe to my dome while I’m in the back. You go ahead and hit on the sluts Jess and Stacey. Oh, and later, after we close up we’re gonna go out and get all kinds of fucked up! Welcome aboard!



~ Jack .45 ~