First Niagara Financial Group (NASDAQ: FNFG)
With exception to those people who have good college degrees and the 3-5 years experience that every fucking employer requires, it’s been real damn hard getting a good full time job recently. The only thing more soul crushing than an endless, dead end job hunt is being offered a dream career and then having it retracted. That’s exactly what happened to me with First Niagara Financial Group (NASDAQ: FNFG) and now you get to read my story.
Swear I’ve spent days of my life surfing on www.indeed.com trying to find my next failed employment venture. Ha, though I’m sure 90% of that time has been on someone else’s dollar while I was a temp somewhere. This particular time of my professional life had found me in between real jobs and waiting tables, kissing people’s asses for just enough money to pay rent and utilities. Most of my food intake was what I could steal or get 50% off from the restaurant I worked at.
To give background:
The first few months of my life after college had been spent at a branch office of American International Group (NYSE: AIG) as a financial advisor. This turned out to be a fucking horrible idea. I earned the retarded cousin’s equivalent to a Series 7 License (a Series 6) and then began a commission only financial sales career cold calling people. I did manage to find a Government affiliated wildlife organization that wanted to invest $3.175 million. At a whopping 1.8% commission that still would have boiled down to over 60k for me, but my dickhead managers drug their feet until the deal was lost. As soon as that opportunity folded so did my short tenure with AIG Financial Advisors. I pursued the more lucrative career path of full time server at Damon’s Bar and Grill.
Skipping Ahead:
On a fateful afternoon I saw a job posting from First Rectal Bead Puller (NASDAQ: FNFG) with an opening for a “Relationship Banker” position. I quickly read the requirements, saw that I met a few of them, and decided to apply. Have you ever applied for a job online and then they want you to itemize each one of you employment experiences? Makes me want to type in “read my fucking resume” for each text box. Well my time was limited that day, so when I did hit the redundant portion of the application I just hit “save & finish later.” No longer than 15 minutes later I received a phone call from First Diarrhea (NASDAQ: FNFG) requesting my time for a phone interview. I accepted and was pretty excited.
As planned the phone interview occurred and went pretty well. I felt I answered every question to the best of my ability while simultaneously making it everything the woman interviewing me wanted to hear. It didn’t take too long until someone was in touch again with another request, this time for a face to face interview. Pre cum was now staining my professional pants.
I showed up in the interview with a suit I should probably replace pretty soon, nice shirt, tie, and a new pair of black kicks. I interviewed with a sales manager rather than the HR person I had been in correspondence with. Psychologists say the best way to be liked by someone is mirror them physically and have things in common with them. When she smiled I smiled. When her arm shifted and was placed on the table, I did the same. When she crossed her legs, I fidgeted because if I did what she did I would have crushed my balls. Ends up this woman went through a very similar experience to me at the beginning of her career. She knew down to the fucking cent how much money she made working a commission only financial sales job. The mask I put on was exactly what this woman wanted to see. I pretended to be an energetic, motivated, confident young professional who had seen more than his fair share of bullshit since leaving college and was ready to make the most out of the opportunity they had to offer. The trap was set, a job offer was eminent.
Over a week ahead of schedule, I received a phone call with a job offer! 36k a year plus commission and bonuses! A spending account, health, life and dental insurance! Paid sick days! Paid holidays! And I’m willing to bet my own fucking office. I made it! After years of waiting for a real job opportunity to present itself I had finally seized the carpe. The only thing standing in between this underachiever and a legit job with First Shit Stain (NASDAQ: FNFG) was a background check…
Back Story:
When my junior year of college was coming to a close I was quite the mess. I put a life of good dieting and a solid gym routine on the back burner for one filled with reckless partying and junk food binges. I had procrastinated on being knowledgeable with material for a few courses and to make matters worse the final exams got pushed up to the last week of class instead of finals week. FUCK!
A period I would begin to refer to as Epic Cram Session 05 began. From Tuesday until early Thursday morning I did not sleep. A case of Red Bull was my only companion. I pounded in as much knowledge (and Red Bull) as possible in order to get the grades necessary to pass. Everything was going fine and the light at the end of the tunnel was visible. Last stop was my 8 A.M. marketing final Friday morning. I took a little cat nap and once I woke up I was good to go to my last final. I had borrowed my friend’s car because he had a parking spot close to school and that beat taking the bus. I turned on the car and threw my book bag in the passenger seat and… that’s all I remember.
I woke up what seemed like a split second later. Some fat man was sitting on my arm and I could feel the room I was in shaking. “What the FUCK is going on!?” I yelled out. A woman behind me put her hands one both sides of my head and said “honey… you’ve been in a car accident, we really need you to calm down.” Alright… that was a complete mind fuck. How do I go from heading to a final to being in an ambulance without witnessing what sounded like pretty bad ass events in between? “Fuck! You serious? God damn it, that’s my friend’s fucking car… JESUS!” No one seemed to acknowledge my blasphemous obscenity filled shouting. I was later informed I was quite the asshole with the EMS crew before I came out of my trance. Also, I knocked down a utility pole right after I got finished totaling two cars with my friend’s beast Trailblazer.
The reporting police officer, along with a neurologist, later agreed that I had seizure. Thanks Red Bull. Once being told that, I concurred as well because in the mirror I could see where each of my teeth went into my tongue. The cop told me “When I came to the car you were mumbling and drooling all over yourself.” I laughed “I’m like that every weekend! LuLz.” He didn’t think I was funny. Then the police officer started drilling me with questions. My head felt like I just did a box of whip its and I was in no mood to talk with a fucking pig.
“Can you tell me anything about the car?” he asked.
Me – “Um… it’s my friend’s and I feel like a dickhead for wrecking it.”
Him – “Anything else?”
Me – “yeah, it’s an SUV.”
Him – “… ANYTHING… ELSE?”
Me – “It’s Black… I don’t know what you want from me dude, I came to in the ambulance, I have no fucking clue what happened.”
Him – “I found a dope pipe in the car.”
Fucking shit! My buddy left his piece in the car. I was genuinely surprised that he found it because I didn’t know it was in there. I was a fucking pot head back then, so I wasn’t blown away with the development that one of my friends had a weed pipe in his car.
To wrap up the back story, I was given a DUI and charged with “use / possession of drug paraphernalia.” I did have a lot of THC in my system when the toxicology report came back and my friend never took responsibility for his “dope pipe.” When I inquired why he didn’t tell the cops it was his pipe he responded with: “you wrecked my fucking car.” … bulletproof argument. The attorney I acquired lumped both of the charges into the Advanced Rehabilitative Disposition (A.R.D.) program and they were to be dismissed / expunged from my record following completion of the program. Life sure is swell.
Back to the future:
Every person in my family knew I had finally gotten a real job, I told all of my friends, my girlfriend and I blew $150 celebrating us getting new jobs at the same time, I quit waiting tables, and I am fucking PUMPED to get my life started. Before I could only look 2 – 4 weeks ahead in my life. With this job offer I saw myself making plans for 5, 10, even 15 years down the road. Shit’s great!
The morning after my night out with the girl I received a phone call. “Jack! Wanted to discuss with you the results of your background check.” The woman went through a few minor charges that I had listed in my employment application so no big deal right? I’m off the hook on those. Then the fucking bomb drops, “…How about ‘Use / Possession of Drug Paraphernalia’.” My past jumped through the phone, fucks my girlfriend, steals my watch, and punches me in the face. I felt there was no point in lying so I fully explained the entire situation to her along with my steadfast claim that the charge should not have shown up on my background check. So even though THAT showed up, the DUI did not. “Well… is that going to change anything?” I asked. “We’ll see,” she says, “I am going to speak with VP of human resources and we’ll get back to you with a decision.” The phone call ended and my heart beat slowed to a trudge. I called the parents and the girl friend to inform them that my dream job was possibly out the window. The call I received two hours later confirmed my worst fears as First Bloody Anal Cavity (NASDAQ: FNFG) retracted their job offer.
What I thought was a rebirth of hopes and dreams of mine ended up being a late term, bloody, partial birth abortion. I was supposed to begin work with them 3 days after I had received the retraction phone call. My fragile spirit was shattered under the weight of yet another disappointing career path turn.
After a few days I was given the chance to dispute the information on my background check. About a month later I received an updated copy of my background check from ADP (NASDAQ: ADP). My new background check had NOTHING on it about the pipe charge. I frantically called First Ass Fuck (NASDAQ: FNFG) with proof that the information they based their adverse decision off of was erroneous to no avail. The head decision maker never returned any of my multiple phone calls. First Butt Sex (NASDAQ: FNFG) and Bloody Vaginal Beltch (NASDAQ: ADP) had double teamed my shallow virgin asshole without a kiss or even a reach around.
The Aftermath:
Labor Day was First Infected Urethra’s (NASDAQ: FNFG) opening operating weekend. None of their newly acquired (bought out) customers had access to their accounts the whole weekend. The branch I was supposed to be stationed at lost an estimated 200 customers alone.
You name the means and First Colonoscopy Bag (NASDAQ: FNFG) has spent an endless river of money shamelessly advertising. “First Niagara, The Bank that Believes in YOU has Arrived.” I find it kind of funny that is one of their slogans and they never even waited to hear if the background check they ran on me wasn’t completely fucked up. Guess they didn’t “believe in me.” Their television ads make me want to fucking puke every time I see them. They’re filled with nothing but ideological bullshit and empty promises. Their ad made specifically for the Pittsburgh region is beyond short bus retarded and filled with the same dishonest bullshit.
To wrap this up, the people of Pittsburgh have already seen through First God Awful Shitty Excuse for a Financial Institution (NASDAQ: FNFG) and have dropped their bank accounts with them. This isn’t the first time a bank has taken over customers from a failed bank. The average customer loss for a takeover like this is calculated between 20 and 30%. First Salad Toss (NASDAQ: FNFG) has lost well beyond 30% of the customers they started with in this region. Any other bank in this area can provide the same services with a better result. So if you invest in or bank with these fucktards be sure to know they’re being absurdly reckless with their business practices concerning this expansion. That and they’re fucking discriminatory douche bags for not hearing out my full side of the fucked up story that prevented me from working with these guys. In retrospect though, they can keep their fucking Relationship Banker job. First Throating Thick Cock (NASDAQ: FNFG) is one ship I won’t be on when it goes down.
~ Jack .45 ~
Swear I’ve spent days of my life surfing on www.indeed.com trying to find my next failed employment venture. Ha, though I’m sure 90% of that time has been on someone else’s dollar while I was a temp somewhere. This particular time of my professional life had found me in between real jobs and waiting tables, kissing people’s asses for just enough money to pay rent and utilities. Most of my food intake was what I could steal or get 50% off from the restaurant I worked at.
To give background:
The first few months of my life after college had been spent at a branch office of American International Group (NYSE: AIG) as a financial advisor. This turned out to be a fucking horrible idea. I earned the retarded cousin’s equivalent to a Series 7 License (a Series 6) and then began a commission only financial sales career cold calling people. I did manage to find a Government affiliated wildlife organization that wanted to invest $3.175 million. At a whopping 1.8% commission that still would have boiled down to over 60k for me, but my dickhead managers drug their feet until the deal was lost. As soon as that opportunity folded so did my short tenure with AIG Financial Advisors. I pursued the more lucrative career path of full time server at Damon’s Bar and Grill.
Skipping Ahead:
On a fateful afternoon I saw a job posting from First Rectal Bead Puller (NASDAQ: FNFG) with an opening for a “Relationship Banker” position. I quickly read the requirements, saw that I met a few of them, and decided to apply. Have you ever applied for a job online and then they want you to itemize each one of you employment experiences? Makes me want to type in “read my fucking resume” for each text box. Well my time was limited that day, so when I did hit the redundant portion of the application I just hit “save & finish later.” No longer than 15 minutes later I received a phone call from First Diarrhea (NASDAQ: FNFG) requesting my time for a phone interview. I accepted and was pretty excited.
As planned the phone interview occurred and went pretty well. I felt I answered every question to the best of my ability while simultaneously making it everything the woman interviewing me wanted to hear. It didn’t take too long until someone was in touch again with another request, this time for a face to face interview. Pre cum was now staining my professional pants.
I showed up in the interview with a suit I should probably replace pretty soon, nice shirt, tie, and a new pair of black kicks. I interviewed with a sales manager rather than the HR person I had been in correspondence with. Psychologists say the best way to be liked by someone is mirror them physically and have things in common with them. When she smiled I smiled. When her arm shifted and was placed on the table, I did the same. When she crossed her legs, I fidgeted because if I did what she did I would have crushed my balls. Ends up this woman went through a very similar experience to me at the beginning of her career. She knew down to the fucking cent how much money she made working a commission only financial sales job. The mask I put on was exactly what this woman wanted to see. I pretended to be an energetic, motivated, confident young professional who had seen more than his fair share of bullshit since leaving college and was ready to make the most out of the opportunity they had to offer. The trap was set, a job offer was eminent.
Over a week ahead of schedule, I received a phone call with a job offer! 36k a year plus commission and bonuses! A spending account, health, life and dental insurance! Paid sick days! Paid holidays! And I’m willing to bet my own fucking office. I made it! After years of waiting for a real job opportunity to present itself I had finally seized the carpe. The only thing standing in between this underachiever and a legit job with First Shit Stain (NASDAQ: FNFG) was a background check…
Back Story:
When my junior year of college was coming to a close I was quite the mess. I put a life of good dieting and a solid gym routine on the back burner for one filled with reckless partying and junk food binges. I had procrastinated on being knowledgeable with material for a few courses and to make matters worse the final exams got pushed up to the last week of class instead of finals week. FUCK!
A period I would begin to refer to as Epic Cram Session 05 began. From Tuesday until early Thursday morning I did not sleep. A case of Red Bull was my only companion. I pounded in as much knowledge (and Red Bull) as possible in order to get the grades necessary to pass. Everything was going fine and the light at the end of the tunnel was visible. Last stop was my 8 A.M. marketing final Friday morning. I took a little cat nap and once I woke up I was good to go to my last final. I had borrowed my friend’s car because he had a parking spot close to school and that beat taking the bus. I turned on the car and threw my book bag in the passenger seat and… that’s all I remember.
I woke up what seemed like a split second later. Some fat man was sitting on my arm and I could feel the room I was in shaking. “What the FUCK is going on!?” I yelled out. A woman behind me put her hands one both sides of my head and said “honey… you’ve been in a car accident, we really need you to calm down.” Alright… that was a complete mind fuck. How do I go from heading to a final to being in an ambulance without witnessing what sounded like pretty bad ass events in between? “Fuck! You serious? God damn it, that’s my friend’s fucking car… JESUS!” No one seemed to acknowledge my blasphemous obscenity filled shouting. I was later informed I was quite the asshole with the EMS crew before I came out of my trance. Also, I knocked down a utility pole right after I got finished totaling two cars with my friend’s beast Trailblazer.
The reporting police officer, along with a neurologist, later agreed that I had seizure. Thanks Red Bull. Once being told that, I concurred as well because in the mirror I could see where each of my teeth went into my tongue. The cop told me “When I came to the car you were mumbling and drooling all over yourself.” I laughed “I’m like that every weekend! LuLz.” He didn’t think I was funny. Then the police officer started drilling me with questions. My head felt like I just did a box of whip its and I was in no mood to talk with a fucking pig.
“Can you tell me anything about the car?” he asked.
Me – “Um… it’s my friend’s and I feel like a dickhead for wrecking it.”
Him – “Anything else?”
Me – “yeah, it’s an SUV.”
Him – “… ANYTHING… ELSE?”
Me – “It’s Black… I don’t know what you want from me dude, I came to in the ambulance, I have no fucking clue what happened.”
Him – “I found a dope pipe in the car.”
Fucking shit! My buddy left his piece in the car. I was genuinely surprised that he found it because I didn’t know it was in there. I was a fucking pot head back then, so I wasn’t blown away with the development that one of my friends had a weed pipe in his car.
To wrap up the back story, I was given a DUI and charged with “use / possession of drug paraphernalia.” I did have a lot of THC in my system when the toxicology report came back and my friend never took responsibility for his “dope pipe.” When I inquired why he didn’t tell the cops it was his pipe he responded with: “you wrecked my fucking car.” … bulletproof argument. The attorney I acquired lumped both of the charges into the Advanced Rehabilitative Disposition (A.R.D.) program and they were to be dismissed / expunged from my record following completion of the program. Life sure is swell.
Back to the future:
Every person in my family knew I had finally gotten a real job, I told all of my friends, my girlfriend and I blew $150 celebrating us getting new jobs at the same time, I quit waiting tables, and I am fucking PUMPED to get my life started. Before I could only look 2 – 4 weeks ahead in my life. With this job offer I saw myself making plans for 5, 10, even 15 years down the road. Shit’s great!
The morning after my night out with the girl I received a phone call. “Jack! Wanted to discuss with you the results of your background check.” The woman went through a few minor charges that I had listed in my employment application so no big deal right? I’m off the hook on those. Then the fucking bomb drops, “…How about ‘Use / Possession of Drug Paraphernalia’.” My past jumped through the phone, fucks my girlfriend, steals my watch, and punches me in the face. I felt there was no point in lying so I fully explained the entire situation to her along with my steadfast claim that the charge should not have shown up on my background check. So even though THAT showed up, the DUI did not. “Well… is that going to change anything?” I asked. “We’ll see,” she says, “I am going to speak with VP of human resources and we’ll get back to you with a decision.” The phone call ended and my heart beat slowed to a trudge. I called the parents and the girl friend to inform them that my dream job was possibly out the window. The call I received two hours later confirmed my worst fears as First Bloody Anal Cavity (NASDAQ: FNFG) retracted their job offer.
What I thought was a rebirth of hopes and dreams of mine ended up being a late term, bloody, partial birth abortion. I was supposed to begin work with them 3 days after I had received the retraction phone call. My fragile spirit was shattered under the weight of yet another disappointing career path turn.
After a few days I was given the chance to dispute the information on my background check. About a month later I received an updated copy of my background check from ADP (NASDAQ: ADP). My new background check had NOTHING on it about the pipe charge. I frantically called First Ass Fuck (NASDAQ: FNFG) with proof that the information they based their adverse decision off of was erroneous to no avail. The head decision maker never returned any of my multiple phone calls. First Butt Sex (NASDAQ: FNFG) and Bloody Vaginal Beltch (NASDAQ: ADP) had double teamed my shallow virgin asshole without a kiss or even a reach around.
The Aftermath:
Labor Day was First Infected Urethra’s (NASDAQ: FNFG) opening operating weekend. None of their newly acquired (bought out) customers had access to their accounts the whole weekend. The branch I was supposed to be stationed at lost an estimated 200 customers alone.
You name the means and First Colonoscopy Bag (NASDAQ: FNFG) has spent an endless river of money shamelessly advertising. “First Niagara, The Bank that Believes in YOU has Arrived.” I find it kind of funny that is one of their slogans and they never even waited to hear if the background check they ran on me wasn’t completely fucked up. Guess they didn’t “believe in me.” Their television ads make me want to fucking puke every time I see them. They’re filled with nothing but ideological bullshit and empty promises. Their ad made specifically for the Pittsburgh region is beyond short bus retarded and filled with the same dishonest bullshit.
To wrap this up, the people of Pittsburgh have already seen through First God Awful Shitty Excuse for a Financial Institution (NASDAQ: FNFG) and have dropped their bank accounts with them. This isn’t the first time a bank has taken over customers from a failed bank. The average customer loss for a takeover like this is calculated between 20 and 30%. First Salad Toss (NASDAQ: FNFG) has lost well beyond 30% of the customers they started with in this region. Any other bank in this area can provide the same services with a better result. So if you invest in or bank with these fucktards be sure to know they’re being absurdly reckless with their business practices concerning this expansion. That and they’re fucking discriminatory douche bags for not hearing out my full side of the fucked up story that prevented me from working with these guys. In retrospect though, they can keep their fucking Relationship Banker job. First Throating Thick Cock (NASDAQ: FNFG) is one ship I won’t be on when it goes down.
~ Jack .45 ~
I've learned the harsh and costly lesson to stay away from The First Niagara Financial Group "Advisors."
Has anyone else had a problem with the financial advisors at the First Niagara Bank? They push the customers into purchasing annuties because both the brokeragae and the bank make bundles of commission on an annuity.