Corporate Coggery 101: Managers (Part 1)
21Jan
Not too long after being born and becoming self aware each of us will eventually be exposed to people that we take orders from. At first, of course, it will be our parents. As we age, school teachers will enter into the picture detailing as to when we are allowed milk and nap time. A few more hops and skips along life’s path and most of us will be put in a position to work under a person called a manager. Managers are people that assume or are promoted to leadership roles without having leadership skills or abilities.
Urban Dictionary #1 Definition:
Someone too incompetent to do any real work but who now has the authority to fuck up the work of those who aren’t.
I have formulated from my personal experience a little list of the types of managers that one can expect to run into if pursuing a career in an office setting:
Urban Dictionary #1 Definition:
Someone too incompetent to do any real work but who now has the authority to fuck up the work of those who aren’t.
I have formulated from my personal experience a little list of the types of managers that one can expect to run into if pursuing a career in an office setting:
Might as well get this one on the list early. The Raging Cunt is someone (more often than not female, but males are not excluded from taking this role) who has worked at the company since the early part of her career and once having bitched enough, received a management position. This type of manager is normally a smoker or does something self destructive and compulsive, she is hated by more than 90% of the department she presides over, is currently single and has been divorced at least twice, possesses ovaries that aren’t capable of producing eggs but are responsible for a surplus of bitchy woman hormones, and while having quality work skills she is completely incapable of connecting with her subordinates on any level. In order to get desired work results from her underlings the RC will usually call people out in the most embarrassing and infuriating way possible. The desire to accomplish work therefore is achieved by avoiding pain rather than seeking reward. When not insulting people directly The Raging Cunt will normally take part in annoying solo activities such as whistling, talking to herself, singing made up songs which lyrics involve things she just did (“~doot doot doot, save the excel sheet~”), making clicking sounds with her mouth, shouting over top of her cube rather than walking to talk to the person face to face, and complaining about everything she possibly can.
Most Common Phrase: “Is that work related?”
How To Deal: Try to keep off her shit list. If you can’t do that, ignoring this type of manager will normally only make things worse. Your best bet is to face her head on especially when you’re right. If you’re wrong though, forecast is calling for at least a two day long shit storm with potential joblessness accumulation. Be a sarcastic kiss ass to be in her good graces. When there is no longer any concern for your employment situation you can always just do this:
The Working Woman
This is one of the less annoying managers because you never see her. If you do see her it’s normally when she’s in a half sprint to get to her next meeting. When she does come around it’s all business, don’t even try making small talk with her. If you interviewed with her, that encounter will be the most lengthy of your conversations during your employment. The Working Woman manager will most likely have more hair on her vagina than on her head, will have been married for tax purposes and convenience, she rocks an extreme caffeine addiction, and don’t put it past her getting a hysterectomy just so that her working world pace can never be slowed down with the possibility of having children or pesky menstruation. She will meet her demise via cardiac arrest brought on synergistically by Mountain Dew and hypertension.Most Common Phrase: “Not now. I’m busy.”
How To Deal: Show up on time and don’t fuck up. Avoid taking you and her not having a relationship personal. She’s an empty shell of a person anyway.
The Rich Pompous Ass Manager is normally someone at the very peak of his or her career. RPAM’s are normally male and work in the financial services industry. He chews his food with his mouth open and breathes heavily through his nose while doing so. He leases top of the line cars that are twice as much a month as your rent and then he complains that parts for repairs take days to ship because they come from overseas. His office has at least two windows normally on walls perpendicular to one another, large framed pictures of cities or college sports complexes, achievement awards associated with how much money he makes, and a desk with a chair that would take you a year’s salary to afford financing for. The RPAM will most likely interview you if you are seeking employment with his company and he will most likely ignore everything you say. The only reason he takes any interest in your professional success is because the deals you land are what fills up this fucker’s gas tank. You won’t figure out how he got to where he is today and he doesn’t remember. Living an average lifestyle is something he repressed after he hit his first six figure year.Most Common Phrase: “Fuckin’ see the game last night? I was there. Box seats!”
How To Deal: Agree with everything he says while completely ignoring him. You don’t matter to him and he shouldn’t matter to you. Just try not to think too much about how the paycheck he gives you is worth less than the pen he signed it with.
The Cool Manager
Don’t get your hopes up about this one because he or she does not exist. Any person who seeks career advancement would prefer not to fuck it up once it’s obtained. You can take any individual who has the best of every personality trait, give them a management role, and their soul turns into dark viscous dog shit. No matter how cool a manager may seem there’s always a dark passenger lurking in the depths of that person, waiting to pounce and get shitfaced power drunk off of the newly acquired authority. This person will be in their mid 20’s and thrilled with the promotion while viewing it as the catapult into taking their career to the next level. Take him or her out for a beer. To them it will appear as congratulatory. You though should be aware this is their cool side’s funeral. If this person eats a lot of fiber be prepared for the mess when they start shitting all over you.Most Common Phrase: “Now I’m not trying to sound like a dick/bitch, but this work needs to be done today. Stay late if you have to.”
How To Deal: This mother fucker just got a fun-ectomy. Start looking for a new job.
In cubicle life the glass is always half empty. Work sucks regardless of what you do, but your coworkers make or break how you REALLY feel about the job. A shitty manager will make you look back in anger before you even leave. Myself and my fellow contributors are only just past the starting line of our careers, so you can expect many more updates on this subject in the future.
~ Jack .45 ~
