The Key to Success In Afghanistan
Just recently General Stanley McChrystal, commander of the NATO forces in Afghanistan, was stated as saying the US mission in Afghanistan will “likely result in failure” without the substantial addition of more soldiers on the ground. NATO forces have been taking a rougher pounding than a drunk, freshman, cheerleader, not wearing any panties at the Alpha Horney Omega frat house and it’s beginning to fray the patience of the allied nations contributing to the war. It’s just amazing to think that an amalgamation of the world’s most advanced military technology, intelligence, and man power are being overwhelmed by people who hide in caves and fuck goats. With all of the sophisticated weaponry the NATO allies possess, there is one crucial weapon the Taliban, Al Qaeda, and similar extreme Islamic insurgents' hold that we have been lacking all along. Suicide bombers!
As I have mentioned in past articles, we recently have pulled ourselves from the depths of a crippling financial crisis. Though everything seems to be improving, there are some staggering figures from many support groups claiming that calls to suicide hotlines have skyrocketed since the beginning of the recession. Even though the markets are making historic climbs out of the recession trench, there are still millions of Americans at the end of their unemployment benefits with very little hope for their personal finances ever improving. We’ve all seen it! Old guy cleaning bathrooms or checking ID’s at our favorite bars. Women in their 70’s bagging groceries and passing on bingo night so she can pay her past due electric bill. Along with that men have been going postal and taking out their entire family because of the avalanche of social pressure applied when they can’t support themselves let alone a family of four or five. So if you’re reading General McChrystal, I will now detail my comprehensive plan to not only help the overall situation domestically with our suicidal population, but I will have it so our future unstable, PTSD sufferers can return home sooner rather than later. America needs to begin actively recruiting suicide bombers! Besides… when someone’s at the end of their miserable road, there’s no point in talking them out of it. Suicide is the only way out!
The process will start with suicide hotlines. Someone will call in complaining about how much their life sucks and how everything didn’t work out the way they thought it would (funny… probably the ONLY person that’s ever happened to). Instead of feeding these people a bunch of nonsense with how “things will get better” and “life IS worth living,” it will be the call center operator’s job to throw some fuel on the fire. “So what?! You lost your job and your house is getting foreclosed. You’re not the first person that’s ever happened to. Quit being such a pussy about it!” (hang up phone). Or gems like “Oh boo fucking hoo, you lost all your retirement money and you can’t afford to keep your kid in college. HELLO! I work at a fucking call center!” (click!) Once these people start running out of options, suicide will become inevitable. As these phone calls are coming in, prior to further demoralizing those who are suicidal, we get all of their contact information. Once the fire has been lit to really get these people close to killing themselves, we forge goodbye letters and kidnap them!
This will be a perpetuated process because there will never be a scarce level of people wanting to kill themselves. But I say we take 40 or 50 of these people at a time, strap enough explosives to them to level any given mosque 3 or 4 times over, dress them up from head to toe in nauseating American pride jump suits, attach a remote detonator, and presto! America and NATO have finally leveled the playing field for the war on terror in Afghanistan!
Let these guys wander around the desolate Afghanistan frontier and I’m sure the insurgency problem will self medicate. Taliban and Al Qaeda will swarm to behead and humiliate these people who seem to be beaming with American pride only to find out we’ve beaten them at their own cowardly game! Two birds, one fucking stone baby. We took all the pussies already drowning in self hatred, brought them to their inevitable end for the good of our nation, and we take out a bunch of Haji’s at the same time! All the good guys win and the bad guy, dune coons will start thinking twice about fucking with NATO once they’re trying to counter OUR suicide bombers! AMERICA… FUCK YEAH!
As I have mentioned in past articles, we recently have pulled ourselves from the depths of a crippling financial crisis. Though everything seems to be improving, there are some staggering figures from many support groups claiming that calls to suicide hotlines have skyrocketed since the beginning of the recession. Even though the markets are making historic climbs out of the recession trench, there are still millions of Americans at the end of their unemployment benefits with very little hope for their personal finances ever improving. We’ve all seen it! Old guy cleaning bathrooms or checking ID’s at our favorite bars. Women in their 70’s bagging groceries and passing on bingo night so she can pay her past due electric bill. Along with that men have been going postal and taking out their entire family because of the avalanche of social pressure applied when they can’t support themselves let alone a family of four or five. So if you’re reading General McChrystal, I will now detail my comprehensive plan to not only help the overall situation domestically with our suicidal population, but I will have it so our future unstable, PTSD sufferers can return home sooner rather than later. America needs to begin actively recruiting suicide bombers! Besides… when someone’s at the end of their miserable road, there’s no point in talking them out of it. Suicide is the only way out!
The process will start with suicide hotlines. Someone will call in complaining about how much their life sucks and how everything didn’t work out the way they thought it would (funny… probably the ONLY person that’s ever happened to). Instead of feeding these people a bunch of nonsense with how “things will get better” and “life IS worth living,” it will be the call center operator’s job to throw some fuel on the fire. “So what?! You lost your job and your house is getting foreclosed. You’re not the first person that’s ever happened to. Quit being such a pussy about it!” (hang up phone). Or gems like “Oh boo fucking hoo, you lost all your retirement money and you can’t afford to keep your kid in college. HELLO! I work at a fucking call center!” (click!) Once these people start running out of options, suicide will become inevitable. As these phone calls are coming in, prior to further demoralizing those who are suicidal, we get all of their contact information. Once the fire has been lit to really get these people close to killing themselves, we forge goodbye letters and kidnap them!
This will be a perpetuated process because there will never be a scarce level of people wanting to kill themselves. But I say we take 40 or 50 of these people at a time, strap enough explosives to them to level any given mosque 3 or 4 times over, dress them up from head to toe in nauseating American pride jump suits, attach a remote detonator, and presto! America and NATO have finally leveled the playing field for the war on terror in Afghanistan!
Let these guys wander around the desolate Afghanistan frontier and I’m sure the insurgency problem will self medicate. Taliban and Al Qaeda will swarm to behead and humiliate these people who seem to be beaming with American pride only to find out we’ve beaten them at their own cowardly game! Two birds, one fucking stone baby. We took all the pussies already drowning in self hatred, brought them to their inevitable end for the good of our nation, and we take out a bunch of Haji’s at the same time! All the good guys win and the bad guy, dune coons will start thinking twice about fucking with NATO once they’re trying to counter OUR suicide bombers! AMERICA… FUCK YEAH!
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