Just recently General Stanley McChrystal, commander of the NATO forces in Afghanistan, was stated as saying the US mission in Afghanistan will “likely result in failure” without the substantial addition of more soldiers on the ground. NATO forces have been taking a rougher pounding than a drunk, freshman, cheerleader, not wearing any panties at the Alpha Horney Omega frat house and it’s beginning to fray the patience of the allied nations contributing to the war. It’s just amazing to think that an amalgamation of the world’s most advanced military technology, intelligence, and man power are being overwhelmed by people who hide in caves and fuck goats. With all of the sophisticated weaponry the NATO allies possess, there is one crucial weapon the Taliban, Al Qaeda, and similar extreme Islamic insurgents' hold that we have been lacking all along. Suicide bombers!



As I have mentioned in past articles, we recently have pulled ourselves from the depths of a crippling financial crisis. Though everything seems to be improving, there are some staggering figures from many support groups claiming that calls to suicide hotlines have skyrocketed since the beginning of the recession. Even though the markets are making historic climbs out of the recession trench, there are still millions of Americans at the end of their unemployment benefits with very little hope for their personal finances ever improving. We’ve all seen it! Old guy cleaning bathrooms or checking ID’s at our favorite bars. Women in their 70’s bagging groceries and passing on bingo night so she can pay her past due electric bill. Along with that men have been going postal and taking out their entire family because of the avalanche of social pressure applied when they can’t support themselves let alone a family of four or five. So if you’re reading General McChrystal, I will now detail my comprehensive plan to not only help the overall situation domestically with our suicidal population, but I will have it so our future unstable, PTSD sufferers can return home sooner rather than later. America needs to begin actively recruiting suicide bombers! Besides… when someone’s at the end of their miserable road, there’s no point in talking them out of it. Suicide is the only way out!



The process will start with suicide hotlines. Someone will call in complaining about how much their life sucks and how everything didn’t work out the way they thought it would (funny… probably the ONLY person that’s ever happened to). Instead of feeding these people a bunch of nonsense with how “things will get better” and “life IS worth living,” it will be the call center operator’s job to throw some fuel on the fire. “So what?! You lost your job and your house is getting foreclosed. You’re not the first person that’s ever happened to. Quit being such a pussy about it!” (hang up phone). Or gems like “Oh boo fucking hoo, you lost all your retirement money and you can’t afford to keep your kid in college. HELLO! I work at a fucking call center!” (click!) Once these people start running out of options, suicide will become inevitable. As these phone calls are coming in, prior to further demoralizing those who are suicidal, we get all of their contact information. Once the fire has been lit to really get these people close to killing themselves, we forge goodbye letters and kidnap them!

This will be a perpetuated process because there will never be a scarce level of people wanting to kill themselves. But I say we take 40 or 50 of these people at a time, strap enough explosives to them to level any given mosque 3 or 4 times over, dress them up from head to toe in nauseating American pride jump suits, attach a remote detonator, and presto! America and NATO have finally leveled the playing field for the war on terror in Afghanistan!



Let these guys wander around the desolate Afghanistan frontier and I’m sure the insurgency problem will self medicate. Taliban and Al Qaeda will swarm to behead and humiliate these people who seem to be beaming with American pride only to find out we’ve beaten them at their own cowardly game! Two birds, one fucking stone baby. We took all the pussies already drowning in self hatred, brought them to their inevitable end for the good of our nation, and we take out a bunch of Haji’s at the same time! All the good guys win and the bad guy, dune coons will start thinking twice about fucking with NATO once they’re trying to counter OUR suicide bombers! AMERICA… FUCK YEAH!

It’s no lie the United States Government has been spending money like me when I’m black out drunk at a casino with ATMs that let me overdraw my checking account. We’re finishing up one war while another one has no end in sight. We shelled out 700 billion for the failing banks and financial institutions. Mean while, independent research firms are saying that the stimulus approved earlier this year is going to run up to a total of 3.27 TRILLION! Aside from that, we just threw away 70 some million to put a man made crater in the fucking moon. Even though we have China in a textbook Catch 22 with the amount of debt we continue to build with them, there has come a time when we must look to fund our nation’s absurd spending habit domestically. How? You guessed it! TAXES!

Taxes come in an endless array of forms. Income tax, luxury tax, capital gains tax, sales tax, there’s even a death tax though more commonly known as an “estate tax.” But I digress. As we are in the center of an obesity epidemic, there is growing support to push legislation through to tax unhealthy food. A “fat tax” if you will. So to begin our discussion I would like to start with a video:



Ah. I see your argument off-putting, more than likely single, redhead, mother of two. Pennies ad up, and you need to feed your family! Now that your side of the argument has been stated, allow me to give you my well versed, thoroughly researched, and yet tactful rebuttal:
Shut the fuck up you jagged thunder cunt. Shut your ginger face and go close the trunk of your car you fucking retard. By your logic I should be able to bitch about alcohol tax because I’m dehydrated, or a cigarette tax because I need to breathe. The soda and high sugar/low nutrition juices our government plans on taxing are bad for you. And I'm sure every penny counts from the looks of the well landscaped house you just rolled up to. Google and Wilford Brimley would both agree soda’s bad for you!




So how about instead of complaining about a tax levied on shit you don’t need and that’s bad for you just stop buying it! Spend the money on a recreation center membership, or vegetables, or juices that are actually good for you! Get some water, ice, and sugar and your three quarters of the way towards a pitcher of Coolaide. Don’t think soda’s bad for you? Just take a look at the new Pepsi Logo!



Though I’m not the biggest fan of our government shelling out cash for stupid shit, I’ve been an advocate for years that unhealthy foods need some form of adverse identification. What I had in mind were warning labels of some sort, but a tax is even better! As the country’s waistline has grown almost exponentially the past few decades, the amount of money spent on healthcare for these self induced problems has as well. According to WSJ, in 1998 obesity cost 74 billion dollars!

The problem is this incredibly annoying commercial that attempts to come off as a public service announcement is truly the voice of the majority of America. Everyone’s got their panties twisted that every soda they drink is going towards helping our nation get out of debt (spend more). If you really want to get pissed off at something, go and round up a bunch of fat people and beat on them for skyrocketing the cost of health care. Want lower health policy premiums? Decrease the amount of morbidly obese people siphoning the funds from insurance companies for self perpetuated problems. Besides… (as I already stated earlier, I have a gambling problem) I’m willing to bet that more than 75% of the same people who are flipping their fucking lids to the idea that bad food is going to get taxed voted for Obama. That’s what you get for putting a democrat back in office you uneducated fuck heads. I hope your more expensive soda makes you lose a foot.

~ Jack .45 ~