Pitch for the Worst Movie Ever
INT: Movie studio head's office. A writer bursts in with the coked up fervor of thirty Quentin Tarantinos, holding a stack of papers noticeably covered in vomit and excrement. Without missing a beat, he locks the door, duct tapes the studio head to his chair, and begins his movie pitch. It goes something like this.
"Okay, security is on its way up, so I haven't got much time. I gotta tell you about an idea I had for the BEST goddamn movie that you'll ever lay your fuckin' eyes on! It would star two of the world's most bankable actors, be directed by a motherfucking GENIUS, and include some of the steamiest and most boner-inducing sex scenes since Don Corleone assfucked that chick with a stick of Land O'Lakes! Do I have your attention now? You bet your fuckin' ass I do!"
"It's a police thriller, that's also a geopolitical melodrama, that's also a romantic comedy, that's also a slapstick laugh riot, and there's even, like, cartoons and shit, like that movie with Doc Brown and that annoying alcoholic bunny who gets to fuck that inexplicably hot firecrotch, even though she totally should've just jumped on Mario's cock at the end!"
Studio Head: You mean, Who Framed Rog-
"Shut the FUCK up, Donny! Just kiddin' bro! Now listen, the two cops will be played by the coolest action stars of our generation: Nicolas Cage and Keanu Reeves! How fuckin' awesome is that shit! The best part--their rookie sidekick will be played by Scrappy Doo! I know dude, I literally shit my pants when I thought that one up! It's perfect!"
"The whole thing will be directed by...wait for it...M. Night fuckin' Shyamalan! Holy shit, right! Like, it'll be this cop drama with, like, a big whodunnit mystery and shit, but then it's got terrorists and they have these big plans, right, and a total mindfuck plot twist at the end where up is down and black isn't racially profiled, and the main terrorist will be played by Shyamalan himself, cuz he's in all of his own movies, and that's pretty badfuckinass!"
"Nicolas Cage would play Detective Wendall Hijinx, and he'd be like, the funny one who's also the straight-laced family guy. Dude is always doin' goofy shit like dressin' up in bear costumes and sockin' his mother in law in the face--what a fucking jokester! Plus he's like, some sort of environmentalist or something, always goin' off about saving the world--this fucking role was made for him! YOU GOT ANY BLOW!?...just kiddin...uh...oh yeah, Keanu Reeves plays the other guy, Detective Jack Hammer. He's pretty much the grizzled, tough-as-nails badass of the two, who frequents hookers on the bad side of town, and constantly moans about his dead wife while cutting himself with piano wire. Picture how awesome of a character this would be for him! Come on, that guy knows how to fuck shit up--motherfucker took on SATAN like a hundred goddamn times, plus his acting range is fucking uncanny!"
Studio Head: Um, I don't think we would be able to afford-
"Seriously dude, shut the fuck up! Time is not a luxury I have at the moment, and once they find your secretary, that's murder one on top of the assault charges, so let's see if we can get through this in the next five minutes. THANK you. Aaaaaanyway, so these two cops live in Pittsburgh, which is like the most beautiful city EVER, and they get around in kayaks, cuz they're totally hardcore about cutting down on emissions, and one day, the local sewage plant blows the fuck up, and everyone's like, "there's poop everywhere!" and that's the point! The terrorists are blowing up sewage plants so that people can't flush their toilets anymore, and that causes complete fucking anarchy! JUST THINK ABOUT THAT--poop piling up everywhere, spilling out through door cracks...it'd be like the 1900s or something! You think we can even manufacture toilet paper fast enough for that kind of doomsday scenario??? We CAN'T! Fucking crazy!"
"So while detectives Hammer and Hijinx are trying to get to the bottom of things, M. Night grabs Hijinx's wife, played by Andy Dick in drag."
Studio Head: Uuuuh...Andy Di-
"Yeah dude, don't be gay."
Studio Head: But, but why-
"JUST CUZ...now, moving on..."
"While Cage is trying to get his wife back, this totally sexy and badass femme fatale is busy trying to take out Reeves. You ready for this one? Renee Zellweger. Bitch is fuckin' hot, bro! I'd let her tongue my asshole in front of my grandparents! The whole movie she's dressed up in some S&M getup and talkin' about how wet detective Hammer gets her and shit. She pulls her titties out, like, 6 times throughout the whole movie trying to get Reeves to nut up inside of her. There will be an extended 20 minute lesbian sex scene between her and Rachel Ray--I know, how fucking clever is that!--with like, double-sided dildos and shit, but it will be all artistic because the penetration will be covered by a mountain of pubic hair on both chicks! Why didn't anyone ever think of that before! I should win the Nobel peace prize or something!"
"Once detective Hammer NAILS her--HA HA HA I AM FUCKING HYSTERICAL, I'm putting that in the scene heading!--he smothers her with a pillow cuz he knows she's bad news plus that's how he killed his wife years prior when he found out she was a cheating whore, except this time he doesn't cry as much about it during the deed. Then the two detectives regroup and go for ice cream. After a 12-minute montage of the two walking through the park eating ice cream that's set to a loop of "California Dreamin'," they meet up with their Chinese contact named Fukkyoh Kouchneegah, also played by M. Night Shyamalan, except doing a really offensive stereotypical impressin of a Chinese guy! He'll be like, 'Wourd you ah rikey da pohr fly lye wit cho poo poo prattah?'. HOLY SHIT THAT'S FUCKING SIDE-SPLITTING!"
"Naturally, being a non-Arab minority, Fukkyoh will be the most enlightening character in the entire movie, carefully spelling out the plot for the detectives--and really just for the audience--and offering words of wisdom like, 'Don't ah make ah whoopie in da herri-coptah wif ah da doh open'--HA HA HA HOLY SHIT, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO GIVE ME A MINUTE!"
...
"Okay, I'm good...now before Hammer and Hijinx can go stop M. Night, they have to gear up at the HQ, which entails running into their curmudgeonly but ultimately understanding boss, played sternly by the Fresh Prince himself! That's like, a hundred million dollars extra, GUARANTEED. He'll play Chief Akeem and be short with our heroes and throw around cantankerous comments like 'I skullfucked your dead grandmother with my peanut-filled ass kabobs last night' but we really know that he means it in the good way.
"After kifing a couple proton packs from the storage room, H & H head on out to the terrorist headquarters, which is an out-of-order bathroom stall inside a moderately popular Chuck E. Cheese. They go in, hydrogen fuel cells blazing, painting the walls with the customers in hopes of catching a few terrorists in the mix. After trudging their way through gooey piles of pizza and 10-year olds,-"
"To be honest, I kind of passed out in my own vomit while writing this part, so it's kind of fucked up and illegible. Whatever, it ends with Scrappy Doo taking a bullet to the dome for the president, Nicolas Cage pulling M. Night Shyamalan under the poop water to drown him, and then Keanu Reeves has to dive in and save him, then Cage spends like 3 minutes tongue-kissing his wife and Reeves totally bangs the first lady while the president video tapes the whole thing and jerks off."
"OH YEAH, FUCK DUDE! The twist! See, it turns out that the terrorists didn't strike us because they hate our freedom! Fuck that shit! In this movie that shit's just clown shoes to them. Get ready for this mindfuck...they did it because...of our support for Israel, our ties with the Saudi royal family, and our military bases in Saudi Arabia! OH MY FUCKING GOD! That shit's so crazy nobody's gonna see it coming, or even believe that they just saw it! I THINK I JUST CAME A LITTLE BIT! I mean, who would've thought THAT was the reason behind this whole clusterfuck?!!!"
Studiod Head: Wow...just...wow...that was the most depraved, offensive, disgusting thing that I've ever heard in my life. What would you even call all of that?
...
"The Aristocrats"
-Bizob
"Okay, security is on its way up, so I haven't got much time. I gotta tell you about an idea I had for the BEST goddamn movie that you'll ever lay your fuckin' eyes on! It would star two of the world's most bankable actors, be directed by a motherfucking GENIUS, and include some of the steamiest and most boner-inducing sex scenes since Don Corleone assfucked that chick with a stick of Land O'Lakes! Do I have your attention now? You bet your fuckin' ass I do!"
"It's a police thriller, that's also a geopolitical melodrama, that's also a romantic comedy, that's also a slapstick laugh riot, and there's even, like, cartoons and shit, like that movie with Doc Brown and that annoying alcoholic bunny who gets to fuck that inexplicably hot firecrotch, even though she totally should've just jumped on Mario's cock at the end!"
Studio Head: You mean, Who Framed Rog-
"Shut the FUCK up, Donny! Just kiddin' bro! Now listen, the two cops will be played by the coolest action stars of our generation: Nicolas Cage and Keanu Reeves! How fuckin' awesome is that shit! The best part--their rookie sidekick will be played by Scrappy Doo! I know dude, I literally shit my pants when I thought that one up! It's perfect!"
"The whole thing will be directed by...wait for it...M. Night fuckin' Shyamalan! Holy shit, right! Like, it'll be this cop drama with, like, a big whodunnit mystery and shit, but then it's got terrorists and they have these big plans, right, and a total mindfuck plot twist at the end where up is down and black isn't racially profiled, and the main terrorist will be played by Shyamalan himself, cuz he's in all of his own movies, and that's pretty badfuckinass!"
"Nicolas Cage would play Detective Wendall Hijinx, and he'd be like, the funny one who's also the straight-laced family guy. Dude is always doin' goofy shit like dressin' up in bear costumes and sockin' his mother in law in the face--what a fucking jokester! Plus he's like, some sort of environmentalist or something, always goin' off about saving the world--this fucking role was made for him! YOU GOT ANY BLOW!?...just kiddin...uh...oh yeah, Keanu Reeves plays the other guy, Detective Jack Hammer. He's pretty much the grizzled, tough-as-nails badass of the two, who frequents hookers on the bad side of town, and constantly moans about his dead wife while cutting himself with piano wire. Picture how awesome of a character this would be for him! Come on, that guy knows how to fuck shit up--motherfucker took on SATAN like a hundred goddamn times, plus his acting range is fucking uncanny!"
Studio Head: Um, I don't think we would be able to afford-
"Seriously dude, shut the fuck up! Time is not a luxury I have at the moment, and once they find your secretary, that's murder one on top of the assault charges, so let's see if we can get through this in the next five minutes. THANK you. Aaaaaanyway, so these two cops live in Pittsburgh, which is like the most beautiful city EVER, and they get around in kayaks, cuz they're totally hardcore about cutting down on emissions, and one day, the local sewage plant blows the fuck up, and everyone's like, "there's poop everywhere!" and that's the point! The terrorists are blowing up sewage plants so that people can't flush their toilets anymore, and that causes complete fucking anarchy! JUST THINK ABOUT THAT--poop piling up everywhere, spilling out through door cracks...it'd be like the 1900s or something! You think we can even manufacture toilet paper fast enough for that kind of doomsday scenario??? We CAN'T! Fucking crazy!"
"So while detectives Hammer and Hijinx are trying to get to the bottom of things, M. Night grabs Hijinx's wife, played by Andy Dick in drag."Studio Head: Uuuuh...Andy Di-
"Yeah dude, don't be gay."
Studio Head: But, but why-
"JUST CUZ...now, moving on..."
"While Cage is trying to get his wife back, this totally sexy and badass femme fatale is busy trying to take out Reeves. You ready for this one? Renee Zellweger. Bitch is fuckin' hot, bro! I'd let her tongue my asshole in front of my grandparents! The whole movie she's dressed up in some S&M getup and talkin' about how wet detective Hammer gets her and shit. She pulls her titties out, like, 6 times throughout the whole movie trying to get Reeves to nut up inside of her. There will be an extended 20 minute lesbian sex scene between her and Rachel Ray--I know, how fucking clever is that!--with like, double-sided dildos and shit, but it will be all artistic because the penetration will be covered by a mountain of pubic hair on both chicks! Why didn't anyone ever think of that before! I should win the Nobel peace prize or something!"
"Once detective Hammer NAILS her--HA HA HA I AM FUCKING HYSTERICAL, I'm putting that in the scene heading!--he smothers her with a pillow cuz he knows she's bad news plus that's how he killed his wife years prior when he found out she was a cheating whore, except this time he doesn't cry as much about it during the deed. Then the two detectives regroup and go for ice cream. After a 12-minute montage of the two walking through the park eating ice cream that's set to a loop of "California Dreamin'," they meet up with their Chinese contact named Fukkyoh Kouchneegah, also played by M. Night Shyamalan, except doing a really offensive stereotypical impressin of a Chinese guy! He'll be like, 'Wourd you ah rikey da pohr fly lye wit cho poo poo prattah?'. HOLY SHIT THAT'S FUCKING SIDE-SPLITTING!"
"Naturally, being a non-Arab minority, Fukkyoh will be the most enlightening character in the entire movie, carefully spelling out the plot for the detectives--and really just for the audience--and offering words of wisdom like, 'Don't ah make ah whoopie in da herri-coptah wif ah da doh open'--HA HA HA HOLY SHIT, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO GIVE ME A MINUTE!"
...
"Okay, I'm good...now before Hammer and Hijinx can go stop M. Night, they have to gear up at the HQ, which entails running into their curmudgeonly but ultimately understanding boss, played sternly by the Fresh Prince himself! That's like, a hundred million dollars extra, GUARANTEED. He'll play Chief Akeem and be short with our heroes and throw around cantankerous comments like 'I skullfucked your dead grandmother with my peanut-filled ass kabobs last night' but we really know that he means it in the good way.
"After kifing a couple proton packs from the storage room, H & H head on out to the terrorist headquarters, which is an out-of-order bathroom stall inside a moderately popular Chuck E. Cheese. They go in, hydrogen fuel cells blazing, painting the walls with the customers in hopes of catching a few terrorists in the mix. After trudging their way through gooey piles of pizza and 10-year olds,-"
Studio Head: My god! That's just-
"-PIZZA and 10-year olds, they make it to the bathroom stall and find a creepy doll with a tape recorder in its lap thats kind of like the one from Saw, but TOTALLY different than the one from Saw because the doll is Mexican, and then they hit play and it's the ominous voice of Jon Lovitz telling them that the president of the United States has been kidnapped, along with the first lady, and they're, like, hanging upside down over a vat of poop water or something, you know, to tie it in with the rest of the plot, and it's really funny cuz the president and first lady are played by the most intelligent political analysts of our time--Bill O'Reilly and Ann Coulter."
"To be honest, I kind of passed out in my own vomit while writing this part, so it's kind of fucked up and illegible. Whatever, it ends with Scrappy Doo taking a bullet to the dome for the president, Nicolas Cage pulling M. Night Shyamalan under the poop water to drown him, and then Keanu Reeves has to dive in and save him, then Cage spends like 3 minutes tongue-kissing his wife and Reeves totally bangs the first lady while the president video tapes the whole thing and jerks off."
"OH YEAH, FUCK DUDE! The twist! See, it turns out that the terrorists didn't strike us because they hate our freedom! Fuck that shit! In this movie that shit's just clown shoes to them. Get ready for this mindfuck...they did it because...of our support for Israel, our ties with the Saudi royal family, and our military bases in Saudi Arabia! OH MY FUCKING GOD! That shit's so crazy nobody's gonna see it coming, or even believe that they just saw it! I THINK I JUST CAME A LITTLE BIT! I mean, who would've thought THAT was the reason behind this whole clusterfuck?!!!"
Studiod Head: Wow...just...wow...that was the most depraved, offensive, disgusting thing that I've ever heard in my life. What would you even call all of that?...
"The Aristocrats"
-Bizob
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