Tempin' Ain't EZ
Unless in the past two years you were Tom Hanks(ed) on a deserted island and your only friend was a bloody volleyball, you should be aware that the global economy hit some very turbulent times. Banks failed, investments plummeted, retirement accounts vanished, and unemployment has hit record highs. Even though the worst recession since the great depression has been painted as an economic apocalypse, there have been numerous winners during the downturn. Namely the executives of insurance and financial behemoths deemed “to big to fail” that… well… failed. Then they got bailed out then they got to keep their 7 figure salaries while the majority of the middle and lower class suffered. AIG got to keep truckin’ along after, as one Rolling Stones columnist put it, “puncturing holes in the fabric of the universe.” But one set of winners that elude the media headlines are staffing agencies.
With unemployment high, job seekers are lowering their expectations from the positions they choose leaving the staffing firms with an almost endless supply of talent to send off to their clients. On the other side of the spectrum are the losers that these firms ship out like packaged meat… the temps. Being a temp in any industry blows. You aren’t offered benefits or paid time off, the hourly rate is barely enough to cover rent, and for the most part, the work can be mastered by a liquored up monkey with Down syndrome. The benefits of organizations that employ temporary contractors are endless! Temps are inexpensive versus hiring full time employees, they’re very expendable, and temps are like a bottomless receptacle for monotonous tasks like number crunching, filing, faxing, scanning, printing, and so on. Tempin’ ain’t easy but it’s necessary. The following is a survival guide for those of you whose careers have been sidetracked into the abysmal temporary status.
First Day:
After all the paperwork and interviews you’re ready for your first day! As the old adage states first impressions are the most important, you must set the tone early. Once you arrive at your place of employment, a supervisor or someone you interviewed with is going to give you a quick tour of your work environment followed by parading you around like a new barn animal to all of the current employees. It is crucial to come off as professional as possible while meeting your new coworkers, but be sure to sow some seeds of uncertainty. For example, when nearing the end of your introductions be sure to make a comment like “I like your hat” to someone who isn’t wearing a hat. This measure will establish you as the weird new guy and keep most from engaging you in mindless small talk. The time you have saved from getting to know your coworkers can now be spent managing your fantasy football team.
Your Diet:
What a temp eats is very important to time management while on someone else’s clock. Nutritionists recommend eating 5 – 6 small meals a day in contrast to the traditional 3 meals. Take advantage of this advice by having food on your desk all the time. It is easier to dismiss an increased workload request when one has food in their possession. An example of this technique is best shown in the motion picture Bad Santa when Billy Bob exclaims “I’m on my FUCKING lunch break!” after being hassled by a woman with her son.
As a final dieting recommendation, eat as much fiber as possible. Fiber One bars will do just great. They taste awesome and they’re good for you. As the fiber intake increases in one’s diet so will that person’s regularity. This is crucial to being a temp because nothing in the world beats getting paid to shit.
Bathroom Etiquette:
Of all the things to do as a temp listed in this article, what you do in the bathroom is of almost commandment importance level. Thou shall not be ashamed of any noises that accompany the expulsion of excrement. You are getting paid to do this, be proud, do it loud! A few grunts help too. When going number 1, never make it so you are pissing next to someone. It is a written rule that if you park yourself directly beside someone at a urinal you are sending the message you want to have sex with them. So chose wisely! Remember this if someone happens to do this to you. Being that he wants to have sex with you the least you can do is look over the divider and check out what he’s packing. Make a compliment to the length or girth of his unit to avoid any awkwardness.
MS Outlook or Lotus Notes:
The primary use of these programs in company email is to keep office workers connected and to provide a means to send memos, work requests, and file attachments. As a temp, it is your innate responsibility to abuse these communication privileges as frequently as possible.
More than likely you will have friends, acquaintances, and possibly former coworkers all anchored to a soul casket (cubicle) similar to yourself. While they may or may not be temps, most look forward to email chatter as a way to break up the monotony that is life in a corporate office setting. When emailing non coworkers, try to be as vulgar as possible without diluting the purpose and content of the email. When receiving emails from supervisors and coworkers it is best to ignore and delete them right away. This will promote more personal lines of communication in the office like angry phone calls, face to face confrontations, and yelling. To establish yourself as a member of the company via electronic correspondence, insert a signature with your name, company logo, and an inspirational quote or short anecdote.
The Supply Cabinet:
If with or near a coworker while in the designated supply area, be sure to boast of your prior college lifestyle and share with them exactly how fucked up keyboard duster can get you. Be sure to say things like “if you huff that shit for more than 30 seconds you can HEAR LIGHT!” If such a comment is spoken in earshot of a superior, it will display your ingenuity and resourcefulness in obtaining an altered state of consciousness. These are the kinds of characteristics management look for in subordinates when the time comes to extend the length of the temporary contract.
The Internet:
A high percentage of office setups have access to the internet. Unfortunately for most, there is a small group of communist cocksuckers who think they know what is and what is not appropriate to view while accessing the World Wide Web through an employer’s network. This is censorship and a violation of our first amendment rights! In order to bypass these network filters one must establish a proxy server. The process is very simple and once accomplished a temp should take it upon him or herself to look up the most disturbing, profane, and pornographic images and video the internet has to offer.
Change your background to an image of a young female pulling a string of beads out from her anus. Rather than a screen saver, set a streaming video on repeat while away from your desk. Best recommendation for this is “one man one glass.” Make sure the volume is up! The sound of a glass jar shattering within a man’s rectal cavity will no doubt bring attention to your vacant desk. Managers will applaud your creativity in circumventing the web filter and your taste in internet media will impress your coworkers.
Lunch Time:
After a short duration of employment it is not uncommon for coworkers to invite you out to lunch. Accept the offer, but do so with a reluctant demeanor as to avoid appearing overly excited for socializing.
Once at lunch, make sure everything you say is of a distasteful nature. “I’m really looking forward to getting paid this week. I forgot to put a rubber on about a month ago and MAN that abortion was expensive!” It solidifies your personality as one of much fortitude and dexterity to discuss such topics openly. Even though you’re the temp, people will look up to you with much respect.
Time Sheets:
This is pretty cut and dry. As a temp you must record your hours each week versus salaried employees who are paid the same regardless of time at the office. The best thing to do is lie. The more you lie the more you get paid. Fill out the time sheet for the current week on a Tuesday. By doing this, you can enable yourself to still receive pay for the rest of the week even if you don’t come in. Nursing hangovers and missing work in order to finish the rest of the 8ball take precedence over crosschecking month end statements the next morning. Getting paid to be somewhere you’re not is seated second only to getting paid to shit (that is unless you shit while away from work and you’re getting paid… in which case a religion should be named after you). Do be sure to report in shitfaced a few times. This will prove to your boss that your time spent away from the office is not due to being drunk and therefore any time you’re out is valid and excusable.
Decorating:
Once entering the zombified workforce of cubicle dwellers, your soul casket becomes your home away from home. Like your car or your apartment, the cubicle you inhabit speaks volumes of the kind of person you are. Make sure to clutter it with arbitrary print outs of spread sheets and files because nothing screams SLACKER more than a clean desk. Pin up a flag with your college emblem on it to let your coworkers know you take pride in something. This will send the message that your spirit won’t be broken by mountains of menial tasks, decreasing the probability that you’ll spend afternoons running their account reconciliations. Lastly, regardless of your company’s policy, bring in a hamster cage. And don’t forget to buy the guy a hamster ball so he can scurry around the office. The delight you will bring coworkers will make them remember you long after you’re terminated for discharging a firearm at your desk.
Job Hunting:
The antonym of temporary is permanent. The only way to become a permanent member of your company’s work force is to constantly job hunt while on the employer’s dollar. Multiple jobs sites should be open on your task bar at all times. Make a habit of searching for jobs as soon as you get to work. When someone asks you to do an audit you should say “right after I submit my resume for the accounting job across town.” As in relationships, if you show your current employer you are reluctant towards sticking around, they will want you even more. Attacking the job market with such tenacity will most likely increase the willingness of your employer to not only offer you a full time position, but to match a higher percentage of your 401(k) than your peers.
The End:
Like the sensei to the young grasshopper, I cannot tell you everything you need to know about tempin’. Heed my preceding advice and you will not only make a long lasting impression on your staffing agency, your employer, and your coworkers, but you will lay a strong foundation for your future career in middle corporate management. Very few things in the world accentuate exactly how pointless life is more so than being a temporary employee. Be sure to mention briefly your time as a temp in your suicide letter to justify your decision of slamming a handle of Gin with a bottle of sleeping pills. Doing so will distribute blame to your employer rather than to the fact that you’re a fucking pussy.
~ Jack .45 ~
With unemployment high, job seekers are lowering their expectations from the positions they choose leaving the staffing firms with an almost endless supply of talent to send off to their clients. On the other side of the spectrum are the losers that these firms ship out like packaged meat… the temps. Being a temp in any industry blows. You aren’t offered benefits or paid time off, the hourly rate is barely enough to cover rent, and for the most part, the work can be mastered by a liquored up monkey with Down syndrome. The benefits of organizations that employ temporary contractors are endless! Temps are inexpensive versus hiring full time employees, they’re very expendable, and temps are like a bottomless receptacle for monotonous tasks like number crunching, filing, faxing, scanning, printing, and so on. Tempin’ ain’t easy but it’s necessary. The following is a survival guide for those of you whose careers have been sidetracked into the abysmal temporary status.
First Day:
After all the paperwork and interviews you’re ready for your first day! As the old adage states first impressions are the most important, you must set the tone early. Once you arrive at your place of employment, a supervisor or someone you interviewed with is going to give you a quick tour of your work environment followed by parading you around like a new barn animal to all of the current employees. It is crucial to come off as professional as possible while meeting your new coworkers, but be sure to sow some seeds of uncertainty. For example, when nearing the end of your introductions be sure to make a comment like “I like your hat” to someone who isn’t wearing a hat. This measure will establish you as the weird new guy and keep most from engaging you in mindless small talk. The time you have saved from getting to know your coworkers can now be spent managing your fantasy football team.
Your Diet:What a temp eats is very important to time management while on someone else’s clock. Nutritionists recommend eating 5 – 6 small meals a day in contrast to the traditional 3 meals. Take advantage of this advice by having food on your desk all the time. It is easier to dismiss an increased workload request when one has food in their possession. An example of this technique is best shown in the motion picture Bad Santa when Billy Bob exclaims “I’m on my FUCKING lunch break!” after being hassled by a woman with her son.
As a final dieting recommendation, eat as much fiber as possible. Fiber One bars will do just great. They taste awesome and they’re good for you. As the fiber intake increases in one’s diet so will that person’s regularity. This is crucial to being a temp because nothing in the world beats getting paid to shit.
Bathroom Etiquette:
Of all the things to do as a temp listed in this article, what you do in the bathroom is of almost commandment importance level. Thou shall not be ashamed of any noises that accompany the expulsion of excrement. You are getting paid to do this, be proud, do it loud! A few grunts help too. When going number 1, never make it so you are pissing next to someone. It is a written rule that if you park yourself directly beside someone at a urinal you are sending the message you want to have sex with them. So chose wisely! Remember this if someone happens to do this to you. Being that he wants to have sex with you the least you can do is look over the divider and check out what he’s packing. Make a compliment to the length or girth of his unit to avoid any awkwardness.
MS Outlook or Lotus Notes:The primary use of these programs in company email is to keep office workers connected and to provide a means to send memos, work requests, and file attachments. As a temp, it is your innate responsibility to abuse these communication privileges as frequently as possible.
More than likely you will have friends, acquaintances, and possibly former coworkers all anchored to a soul casket (cubicle) similar to yourself. While they may or may not be temps, most look forward to email chatter as a way to break up the monotony that is life in a corporate office setting. When emailing non coworkers, try to be as vulgar as possible without diluting the purpose and content of the email. When receiving emails from supervisors and coworkers it is best to ignore and delete them right away. This will promote more personal lines of communication in the office like angry phone calls, face to face confrontations, and yelling. To establish yourself as a member of the company via electronic correspondence, insert a signature with your name, company logo, and an inspirational quote or short anecdote.
The Supply Cabinet:If with or near a coworker while in the designated supply area, be sure to boast of your prior college lifestyle and share with them exactly how fucked up keyboard duster can get you. Be sure to say things like “if you huff that shit for more than 30 seconds you can HEAR LIGHT!” If such a comment is spoken in earshot of a superior, it will display your ingenuity and resourcefulness in obtaining an altered state of consciousness. These are the kinds of characteristics management look for in subordinates when the time comes to extend the length of the temporary contract.
The Internet:
A high percentage of office setups have access to the internet. Unfortunately for most, there is a small group of communist cocksuckers who think they know what is and what is not appropriate to view while accessing the World Wide Web through an employer’s network. This is censorship and a violation of our first amendment rights! In order to bypass these network filters one must establish a proxy server. The process is very simple and once accomplished a temp should take it upon him or herself to look up the most disturbing, profane, and pornographic images and video the internet has to offer.
Change your background to an image of a young female pulling a string of beads out from her anus. Rather than a screen saver, set a streaming video on repeat while away from your desk. Best recommendation for this is “one man one glass.” Make sure the volume is up! The sound of a glass jar shattering within a man’s rectal cavity will no doubt bring attention to your vacant desk. Managers will applaud your creativity in circumventing the web filter and your taste in internet media will impress your coworkers.
Lunch Time:
After a short duration of employment it is not uncommon for coworkers to invite you out to lunch. Accept the offer, but do so with a reluctant demeanor as to avoid appearing overly excited for socializing.
Once at lunch, make sure everything you say is of a distasteful nature. “I’m really looking forward to getting paid this week. I forgot to put a rubber on about a month ago and MAN that abortion was expensive!” It solidifies your personality as one of much fortitude and dexterity to discuss such topics openly. Even though you’re the temp, people will look up to you with much respect.
Time Sheets:This is pretty cut and dry. As a temp you must record your hours each week versus salaried employees who are paid the same regardless of time at the office. The best thing to do is lie. The more you lie the more you get paid. Fill out the time sheet for the current week on a Tuesday. By doing this, you can enable yourself to still receive pay for the rest of the week even if you don’t come in. Nursing hangovers and missing work in order to finish the rest of the 8ball take precedence over crosschecking month end statements the next morning. Getting paid to be somewhere you’re not is seated second only to getting paid to shit (that is unless you shit while away from work and you’re getting paid… in which case a religion should be named after you). Do be sure to report in shitfaced a few times. This will prove to your boss that your time spent away from the office is not due to being drunk and therefore any time you’re out is valid and excusable.
Decorating:Once entering the zombified workforce of cubicle dwellers, your soul casket becomes your home away from home. Like your car or your apartment, the cubicle you inhabit speaks volumes of the kind of person you are. Make sure to clutter it with arbitrary print outs of spread sheets and files because nothing screams SLACKER more than a clean desk. Pin up a flag with your college emblem on it to let your coworkers know you take pride in something. This will send the message that your spirit won’t be broken by mountains of menial tasks, decreasing the probability that you’ll spend afternoons running their account reconciliations. Lastly, regardless of your company’s policy, bring in a hamster cage. And don’t forget to buy the guy a hamster ball so he can scurry around the office. The delight you will bring coworkers will make them remember you long after you’re terminated for discharging a firearm at your desk.
Job Hunting:
The antonym of temporary is permanent. The only way to become a permanent member of your company’s work force is to constantly job hunt while on the employer’s dollar. Multiple jobs sites should be open on your task bar at all times. Make a habit of searching for jobs as soon as you get to work. When someone asks you to do an audit you should say “right after I submit my resume for the accounting job across town.” As in relationships, if you show your current employer you are reluctant towards sticking around, they will want you even more. Attacking the job market with such tenacity will most likely increase the willingness of your employer to not only offer you a full time position, but to match a higher percentage of your 401(k) than your peers.
The End:
Like the sensei to the young grasshopper, I cannot tell you everything you need to know about tempin’. Heed my preceding advice and you will not only make a long lasting impression on your staffing agency, your employer, and your coworkers, but you will lay a strong foundation for your future career in middle corporate management. Very few things in the world accentuate exactly how pointless life is more so than being a temporary employee. Be sure to mention briefly your time as a temp in your suicide letter to justify your decision of slamming a handle of Gin with a bottle of sleeping pills. Doing so will distribute blame to your employer rather than to the fact that you’re a fucking pussy.
~ Jack .45 ~
